In our daily conversations, both with ourselves and with others, a multitude of factors come into play. Our inner dialogue, often referred to as “the stories we tell ourselves,” is intricately woven with our life experiences, encompassing both the positive and the negative. This internal narrative can have a profound effect on the outcome of every conversation we engage in!

To dive deeper into this phenomenon, consider the following question:

What goes on within me when I wish someone would act or think differently from their current stance, and what’s my own opinion about what they should be doing?

This opens a rather important door – if you’re willing to go through it! Ask yourself:

• Am I unconsciously activating any biases I may hold towards this individual? Perhaps they remind me of traits I find disagreeable in others, either from my current circle or from the past. And if so, do these traits reside within me as well?
• Could my own perfectionist tendencies be obstructing the path? (A helpful tip is to strive for ‘excellence’ rather than fixate on perfection.)
• By placing myself in their shoes, can I begin to understand their perspective, including their thoughts about me?
• Does this individual exhibit a growth mindset or a fixed one? Understanding this difference can be crucial. Are they open to change?
• Have I accurately pinpointed the problem, and do we each share a common understanding of it? How can we work together to determine the most effective solution?
• Have we both recognized the stakes involved and the consequences if we fail to address the issue proactively?
• While I may desire certain outcomes for others, what if they don’t share the same aspirations for themselves?
• Have I adequately assessed their skills, capabilities, and experience? Do they possess the necessary qualifications to fulfill the tasks and produce the results I’m expecting?

Conscious conversations can also benefit from a few thoughtful guidelines. Keep the following in mind before, during, and after each dialog:

• It is entirely possible to collaborate effectively with someone who does not share my values, mindset, or standards, but only if I can depersonalize the situation. In reality, they are acting in accordance with their own beliefs, thoughts, and abilities. As a leader, if I seek better results from them, I can employ the power of strategic questioning to guide them toward improvement and minimize any tendency to pass judgment.
• When I observe someone staying in their comfort zone or appearing too busy to address an issue, I recognize that these are choices they make based on their perception of what’s best for them. I’m not accountable for their success; that responsibility rests with them.
• The people who differ most from me can sometimes provoke specific reactions or behaviors in me.
• Note that people tend to gravitate toward others who resemble them in various ways (what’s familiar)—a common aspect of human nature.
• As both leaders and human beings, we must learn to collaborate with individuals of diverse backgrounds and characteristics, recognizing the invaluable lessons they can teach us about ourselves!

How Do You Nurture A Constructive Conversation? Good Question!

With the aim of fostering constructive dialogue and an open mind, a good tactic is to encourage an “invitational stance” rather than persuasive communication. Listen intently to the words they use, then use their words to go deeper into a conversation.

For example, if Mary says, ”I feel backed into a corner,” focus on the words ‘backed into a corner’. Say something like, “When you feel backed into a corner, what’s that like for you?”Listen, then ask another good question, ”Anything else?” Keep listening, then ask, “What else?” You’ll know when your invitational approach has gone as far as it needs to go.

Active listening, combined with asking thoughtful questions, can help individuals reflect on –– and share –– their thoughts and feelings. Here are 20 prompts that can help keep a conversation positive and productive:

• What do you need to move forward?
• What do you need most from me right now?
• What’s happening inside you right now?
• What assumptions are limiting your thinking?
• Help me see___________________.
• Where would you like to take this conversation?
• What are you leaving behind, or what must evolve to make room for new ideas?
• Can you propose one idea or approach to address this?
• What aspect would you like to work on?
• What steps would you like to take concerning this issue?
• What would be most helpful to you right now?
• Can you clarify the meaning behind your thoughts?
• Specifically, what aspect do you want to work on?
• Where can you practice and apply this in your life?
• How does it feel to express these thoughts aloud?
• What’s at stake, and what might happen if we don’t address it?
• What did you learn today, and do you have any takeaways?
• How will you measure success in implementing this new behavior?
• What else do you need or want to discuss today?
• Would you agree that we’ve made progress in understanding each other?

Full disclosure: this is hard work as leaders tend to go right to the solutions. Yet you can easily rob someone of the experience to discover the answers themselves.

Leader’s Tip: Team members will often reply in compound sentences (lots of concerns jumbled together) when they’re explaining something – especially if they’re feeling upset or triggered. Break the reply into smaller pieces to help them focus on each thought individually. Here’s an example:

Imagine you’re a sales manager, and one of your team members, Sarah, is discussing a recent client meeting:

 Sarah: “So, I met with the client, and they seemed really hesitant about our proposal, and I could tell they didn’t like the pricing, but then they also mentioned they had concerns about the timeline, and I wasn’t sure how to address all of that, and it was kind of frustrating…”

 In this situation, you could say, “Sarah, it sounds like there are a few different aspects to the client’s concerns. Let’s break it down. First, what were their specific objections to the pricing? And then, separately, what did they say about the timeline? This will help us address each concern more effectively.”

Finally, A Few Questions To Ask Your Inner Self, Especially if You Feel Stuck.

Here’s an excellent exercise that involves completing the blanks to encourage self-reflection and deeper self-understanding. All the sentences are designed to flow one after the other so don’t think too much, just write what comes up for you.

Set the stage by asking: What is currently prominent in my life right now?

Then, continue with this flow of consciousness:

My mind tends to gravitate towards this when I ___________________. If only I could ______________ ___________________  . I am at my best when I___________________. I frequently ponder ___________________  . Yet, if I allowed myself to___________________. My greatest challenge is ___________________. Where have I excelled in life, and what still needs improvement? ______________. I have gained valuable insights from___________________. I am amazed at ___________________   . I envision myself___________________.

Ready To Turn Your Inner Dialogue Into Outer Success?

By embracing these practices, we can foster more meaningful and productive conversations with others. Can you picture scenarios where these prompts and questions can make your thinking clearer and your exchanges more effective? Give them a try and see what happens! I know from experience you’ll find your self-dialogue more enriching and empowering.

So, congratulations! I celebrate your personal growth and ever-increasing communication skills!

Years after the breakup of my marriage, I discovered a startling thing. I had been a poor listener. The concept of listening as an acquired skill never crossed my mind. Talking is rampant in our society. We live in a society of talkers. We want to impress others (probably more unconsciously than not) that we know a lot of stuff.

We make statements far more than we ask questions.

I titled this article Radical Listening because most people think they listen well; however, they rarely do – not at a deep intentional level. Listening this way is a radical act (“radical” meaning, “departing markedly from the usual.”)

The great American psychologist, William James said, “The greatest need of the human soul is the need for appreciation, the need to feel important.” Listening is how we let someone know that we care. Most everyone we meet feels a deep longing to be heard. Often it seems that we listen better to our co-workers and bosses than to our spouses, partners, and children.

I recall attending a seminar where the facilitator challenged us to spend one day communicating only by asking questions—in other words, make no statements. Talk about difficult or near impossible! I encourage you to try this. As humans, we are so prone to telling people what we know versus gathering information—asking questions.

What Do You Listen for?

Start paying attention to what you “listen for”. It often contains a lot of prejudgment and preconception. In most cases, before you even begin a conversation with someone on a specific topic, you’ve already made a judgment about what they will say. You will “listen for” them to meet your expectations.

Say you’re the parent of a teenager. You came home and ask (as you have asked on many occasions), “Why can’t you be tidy around the house?” Then imagine that your teenager replied, “You know, I was thinking that myself. I’m going to start right now by cleaning my room.”’ You probably wouldn’t even hear what they said at first. You might wonder, “Is something wrong with my child?” You would almost certainly do a double take because it would contradict the expectations you typically listen for.

The Incisive Question

Nancy Kline in her book, Time to Think, introduces the concept of the incisive question. This is a question that removes limiting assumptions from your thinking, so that you can think again. An incisive question does this by replacing the limiting assumption with a freeing one.

Let’s say you want to elevate your leadership where you work but you share how talking to your manager or boss is something you are hesitant in doing. So I ask, “What might you be assuming that is stopping you from talking to her?” You tell me that you are assuming she will laugh at you and that she will think you aren’t qualified for your request. After more thinking, you realize also that you are assuming that, actually, well, she’s probably right.

That assumption sits there, a blob in your brain. You go through your whole day, perhaps even your whole week not talking to her. The assumption holds you back from doing what you want and need to do. The assumption limits your thinking and thus your life. The assumption is simple, but unwise.

An incisive question will help get rid of your assumption of being unqualified, replacing it with one that frees you to think of what to say to her and then say it.

A statement requires you to obey, where a question asks you to think.

Our mind resists commands and responds more freely with questions.

The first thing you want to do is to identify the assumption, that you are unqualified. Next, realize that this is an untrue assumption. Then remove the assumption by replacing it with another thought: you are qualified. Nest you create a new question: If you knew that you are qualified for the position, how would you talk to her – what would you say?

I use this technique with clients when they’re stuck and want to take action. I ask them: “What are you assuming here, that is stopping you?” They listen to the answer, identify the assumption, and remove it.

Here a several incisive questions. Note that the first part of each question asserts a positive assumption; the second part directs attention back to the issue or goal.

Three Incisive Questions:

If you found out that someone you love very much is going to die tomorrow, what would you want to be sure that you said to them today?

If you knew that you are beautiful just as you are, what would change for you?

If you knew that you are intelligent as your bosses, how would you present yourself to them?

Take time to really listen to someone today. Give the gift of a listening heart!

Book Sources: The Last Word on Power by Tracy Goss and Time to Think by Nancy Kline

Many years back, I attended Byron Katie’s 9 Day School for the Work in L.A. I read her best-selling book, Loving What Is and was so intrigued with her work that I wanted to dive deeper into her concepts. I was struggling with aspects of my life and intuitively knew this experience would help me sort through these complexities. It was life changing.

Katie’s work, in my opinion, is one of the best non-conventional, revolutionary relational and leadership teachings ever offered. It takes us to the ‘truth’ of who we are – our true self – and how our thinking can cause so much pain and suffering. The L.A. Times says: “Her method can cut through years of self-delusion and rationalization.”

On May 18th, 2017, she spoke at Stanford University; her talk was titled: Who Would You Be Without Your Story? 

“Experience the happiness of undoing stressful thoughts through The Work, and allow your mind to return to its awakened, peaceful, creative nature. I teach people to question their thinking, and this changes their world. I didn’t let go of my negative thoughts; I questioned them, and then they let go of me. As for doing, I do whatever I can to serve peace. My job is the end of suffering.”

The world will be at war as long as the mind is at war with itself. —Byron Katie

Katie refers to her teachings as ‘the work’ which is a way to identify and question our thoughts, which we rarely if ever do. She says, “the only time we suffer is when we believe a thought that argues with what is. When the mind is perfectly clear, what is – is what we want. If you want reality to be different than it is, you might as well try to teach a cat to bark. You can try and try, and in the end the cat will look up at you and meow. Wanting reality to be different than it is, is hopeless.”

Thoughts are born every day. It’s said that we have 60,000 daily. They come. They go. They rise. They fall. The job of a thought is to pass. But what happens to our thoughts? They go uninvestigated as we believe they are true and we make a story out of them. Our stories are connected to the past, present, and future. It may be about what we think ‘should be’, or ‘need to be’, or ‘why they are.’ When we learn to stop and inquire, we can see that our story is merely an internal narration of how we see things at that time or as others, such as our family, friends, or colleagues see it. – thoughts that, as of yet, have been unquestioned. So, the work is about uncovering the real truth.

Notice your thoughts, as they may sound something like this: “People should be kinder.” “He should tell me he loves me by now.” “My wife (or husband, child) should agree with me.” “I should be thinner.” “I just got challenged on how I run my organization. This has never happened before. This does not make sense.”

Thoughts, such as these, are ways of wanting reality to be different than it is. Which thought is more empowering: “I wish I hadn’t lost my job,” or “I lost my job (reality); what solutions to this problem can I work on right now?” We naturally get caught up in denying what has been said or justifying how it should not be this way or how it is not so. Accepting what is does not mean you condone or approve it. It just means you have the opportunity to see things without resistance and without confusion or your inner struggle. The work reveals that what you think shouldn’t have happened should have happened. Because it did. And no thinking in the world can change it.

No one wants to be sick, to lose their job, to be in a car accident; but when they things happen, how can it be helpful to mentally argue with them? We replay that unpleasant experience over and over and then tell others and the situation gets ingrained even more. We do this because we don’t know what to do instead. When we stop opposing reality (no resistance) action becomes simpler, fluid, kind, and less fearful.

There are two parts to the Work: The first is writing down your judgments about any stressful situation in your life. The second is investigating each written statement, using four questions, then turning each thought around with specific, genuine examples.

Go to: thework.com, to see Katie’s vast library of one-on-one recorded sessions or Google Byron Katie and you will find many You Tube links to check out her work in more detail.

The following is an overview of Don Miguel Ruize’s book, The Four Agreements. These agreements, both individually and collectively, have the power to change every aspect of your life:

Be Impeccable with Your Word. Don’t take Anything Personally. Don’t Make Assumptions. Always Do Your Best.

Be Impeccable with Your Word.

Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Impeccable means “without sin” and a sin is something you do or believe that goes against yourself. t means not speaking against yourself, to yourself or to others. It means not rejecting yourself. To be impeccable means to take responsibility for yourself, to not participate in “the blame game.”

Regarding the word, the rules of “action-reaction” apply. What you put out energetically will return to you. Proper use of the word creates proper use of energy, putting out love and gratitude perpetuates the same in the universe. The converse is also true.

Impeccability starts at home. Be impeccable with yourself and that will reflect in your life and your relationships with others. This agreement can help change thousands of other agreements, especially ones that create fear instead of love.

Don’t Take Anything Personally.

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

We take things personally when we agree with what others have said. If we didn’t agree, the things that others say would not affect us emotionally. If we did not care about what others think about us, their words or behavior could not affect us.

Even if someone yells at you, gossips about you, or harms, it still is not about you! Their actions and words are based on what they believe in their personal dream.

Our personal “Book of Law” and belief system makes us feel safe. When people have beliefs that are different from our own, we get scared, defend ourselves, and impose our point of view on others. If someone gets angry with us it is because our belief system is challenging their belief system, and they get scared. They need to defend their point of view. Why become angry, create conflict, and expend energy arguing when you are aware of this?

Don’t Make Assumptions.

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

When we make assumptions, it is because we believe we know what others are thinking and feeling. We believe we know their point of view, their dream. We forget that our beliefs are just our point of view based on our belief system and personal experiences and have nothing to do with what others think and feel.

We make the assumption that everybody judges us, abuses us, victimizes us, and blames us the way we do ourselves. As a result we reject ourselves before others have the chance to reject us. When we think this way, it becomes difficult to be ourselves in the world.

Take action and be clear to others about what you want or do not want; do not gossip and make assumptions about things others tell you. Respect other points of view and avoid arguing just to be right. Respect yourself and be honest with yourself. Stop expecting the people around you to know what’s in your head.

Always Do Your Best.

Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

Doing your best means enjoying the action without expecting a reward. The pleasure comes from doing what you like in life and having fun, not from how much you get paid. Enjoy the path traveled and the destination will take care of itself.

Living in the moment and releasing the past helps us to do the best we can in the moment. It allows us to be fully alive right now, enjoying what is present, not worrying about the past or the future. And remember to be patient with yourself. Take action. Practice forgiveness. If you always do your best, transformation will naturally occur.

“You put your whole Self in, you put your whole Self out, you put your whole Self in, and you shake it all about. You do the hokey pokey, and you turn yourself around. That’s what it’s all about.”

Do any of you recall this tune? As a teenager, I roller skated competitively, spending a lot of time at the rink. The Hokey Pokey was one of those classic songs where upon hearing it, all the skaters immediately stopped, and we couldn’t help but perform our best rendition of the song.

Years ago, writing for a local monthly women’s magazine, this song popped into my head, and I decided to write an article featuring the whole SELF with The Hokey Pokey as the backdrop. Looking back, I find it fascinating how the word SELF was cemented into my mind even back then, and now the name of my company: The Inner Self Experience, formerly The Self Consultancy.

So I dusted off the article, tweaked it a bit, and here it is:

The Hokey Pokey’s lyrics, begin with “You put your whole self in”. I thought, well, what does that mean? To me, it means being all of who you are and not being influenced by what others think – in other words, you don’t dwarf who you are. You don’t shrink back, and you don’t play small, when you have the opportunity to play big. You aren’t influenced by other opinions of what you should do or who you should be. You turn to that “inner guidance system” we all possess and call your shots from there.

When do we actually put our whole selves in life?

I have been in situations where my “whole self” was there and shouldn’t have been. I have also played it safe and only put my “safe self” in. Isn’t life sometimes just like this tune? We put our whole self in and then something happens not to our liking, and we think (uh-oh that doesn’t feel good) so we take our whole self out again (better play it safe). We get confused and feel like our emotions are “shaking us all about”, and then we “turn ourselves around” and start it all over again.

So, what’s the message here? Our security lies within us. That means having the confidence to put your whole self in and take a risk – knowing that you will also have the confidence to leave when it no longer serves you being there.

Here’s one of my favorite sayings by Kenny Rogers: “You’ll know when to hold ‘em and when to fold ‘em.” In my own life, I’ve learned to pay attention to the clues. That’s one of the reasons why I write I my journal. I read back and see the clues. Clues to stay and clues to leave. Or clues to ride it out. Going within is where the power is. I recall a friend telling me about a bumper sticker that said: “The truth will set you free. But first it will tick you off!” Learning about yourself will allow you to be truthful to YOU.

To close with the last stanza in The Hokey Pokey…that’s what it’s all about!

Many years ago a friend shared Pema Chödrön’s book, When Things Fall Apart – Heart Advice for Difficult Times. I was facing a significant life crossroad, and while my friend knew Chödrön’s writing would help me, she had no idea how relevant her teachings would be to me.

She begins one of her earlier chapters with this statement: “Generally speaking, we regard discomfort in any form as bad news. But for practitioners or spiritual warriors—people who have a certain hunger to know what is true—feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealously, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck.

This very moment is the perfect teacher, and luckily for us, it’s with us wherever we are.

Each day, we’re given many opportunities to open up or shut down. The most precious opportunity presents itself when we come to the place where we think we can’t handle whatever is happening. It’s too much. It’s gone too far. We feel bad about ourselves. There’s no way we can manipulate the situation to make ourselves look good. No matter how hard we try, it just won’t work. Basically, life has just nailed us.

It’s as if you just looked at yourself in the mirror, and you saw a gorilla.

The mirror’s there; it’s showing you, and what you see looks bad. You try to angle the mirror so you will look a little better, but no matter what you do, you still look like a gorilla. That’s being nailed by life, the place where you have no choice except to embrace what’s happening or push it away.”

Many years ago, I found myself avoiding, running away, sticking my head in the sand – basically being unconscious to the “bad life stuff” that happened to me. I didn’t know how to see these experiences as teachings. I typically saw the other person as being wrong—totally disagreeing with what they did or said to me. I’d think, “How dare they!” Then I’d call a friend who would agree with me and say, “Yes, he or she is a jerk. You’re absolutely right!”

Notice how we pay plenty of attention to the negative thought patterns that seek us out day in and day out. Try as we may, that little voice in our head won’t let us get rid of those thoughts. It has a power all its own and we can’t seem to quiet it. We want to ease the pain…and right now, please! It’s like we’re on automatic pilot. Pema, however, invites us to take a different perspective: to be open, relax, and lean in.

So how do we work with our minds when we are “being nailed by life?” First of all, let your emotions feel what they feel. I remember once telling someone, “I can’t feel this way!” She said, “Well you do anyway, so go ahead and feel it.” In other words, don’t just reject or deny it. Rather than look for escape, move toward the pain as best as you can. To quote Pema: “Let it pierce you to the heart.”

Pema shares an arrow and flower metaphor and concept that I found intriguing and now, in most situations, successfully use it in my life. All of us have felt emotionally attacked in one way or other, perhaps betrayed, or confused. You may have found yourself in a situation that felt unbearable or unacceptable. Now, imagine that someone has just hit you with an arrow. The arrow represents the attack, be it betrayal, unkind words, disappointment, or something similar.

The arrow strikes and pierces your heart. Now, rather than strike back in counterattack, with an equal attack, you remove the arrow and allow it to change into a flower. The arrow represents pain, and the flower represents openness. With this openness you become curious and aware of what’s happening within the scene. You ask:

● What can I learn from this pain?

● Has this happened to me before?

● What is life asking me to do differently?

● What’s my role in this?

● What is the truth here?

● How can I best let go?

In my personal life, I have learned to lean into the pain, get accustomed to it, make friends with it. I was able to see how I was a player in the drama and how I was keeping it alive. I took my attention off the other person, or the situation, and focused it on what lessons I could learn. I paused to answer these questions that allowed me the time and space to work through what I needed to process. I changed the pain of the arrow (metaphorically speaking) into a flower, seeing the many gifts the lessons represented.

Was this easy? Absolutely not. A friend and I were talking the other day and he commented on what is easy in life. Not going to work out is easy. Not drinking eight glasses of water each day is easy. Not saying I love you and thank you enough is easy.

What is not easy is to live in truth.

I get knocked down and it hurts. However, I don’t get knocked down very often now and when I do, I don’t stay down very long. And I get stronger. Remember three words here: frequency, duration, and intensity. Knock-down life events are infrequent, the repeating voices don’t occupy mind-heart space for long, and these feelings are much less intense.

I have come to understand that life is about death, right here, every day on this planet. The word death, like sex, money, and politics, is a one of those charged words. But I think it describes perfectly what has to happen inside us. I mean the death-ofthoughts that reflect negative conditioning and beliefs that do not serve us. Every day we can, indeed we must, choose the thoughts we let in and the ones we keep out. Rather than dwell on painful thoughts, we can use them as a way to awaken us, to make friends with our hopes and fears, again and again. To be more awake in the midst of chaos.

A good friend made a remarkable comment. She said, “It’s okay to be angry in your mind. It’s not okay to be angry in your heart.” When anger hits the heart, it becomes very destructive. At that point, forgiveness is impossible.

Remember: This very moment is the perfect teacher, and it’s always with you. You can choose the arrow or the flower. I’ve changed many arrows into flowers and will do that for the rest of my life! For me, that is the only choice!

I recall reading an article about a couple leaving everything behind and literally sailing away. They had planned this escape for 20 years. I thought about how this could happen, and two words came to mind: Intention and Plan. This couple had a clearly defined intention, backed by a concrete plan and an irrevocable decision not to let anything get in their way. They figured out what they really wanted in life and focused on what they wanted to achieve.

How many of us are still stuck in figuring out what we really want?

We make intentional goals, hopefully write them down and then—but don’t wrap a plan around them. We sketch a plan in our head – go through the thought process, but that’s it. We get distracted, life happens and there we are back to wishful thinking. We get stuck in not knowing how it will happen. We often ask ourselves, “Where is the guarantee that my effort will get what I want?”

You need an undying commitment to make something happen. You process from hoping it will happen, to believing it will happen to knowing it will happen. Every cell in your body is aligned with that fact. That’s what this “sail away couple” did. She gave her resignation notice at work 12 years ago. She explained to her employer that sometime around a future date that she and her husband were going sailing, and they wouldn’t be back. She quotes, “I don’t think they believed me.”

Bob Proctor, a mentor of mine, asked a young couple what they really wanted in life. They said they wanted to buy a house. Bob said, “Well, go buy one.” They said, “We can’t. We don’t have the money.” He said, “You don’t need any money. You haven’t made the decision to buy the house.”

That conversation really made me think. Bob explained that what we do is put the cart before the horse.

They needed to decide to buy the house first. From there the way would be shown.

He suggested they put a debt reduction plan in place, visit homes to find the kind of home they wanted, talk with a realtor about the market, and create a folder where they can store photos of homes and furnishings they loved. Staying stuck in their current reality of ‘not being able to buy a house because they didn’t have the money’ is a fixed-mindset way of thinking.

Dr. Norman Vincent Peale says, “You must have a goal, not a vague fuzzy goal, but a sharply focused objective. You must know what you want to do, where you want to go and what you want to be. The next step is to pray about this goal; to be sure it’s the right objective for you. If it isn’t right, it’s wrong, and nothing wrong ever turned out right. Then hold the goal tenaciously in the conscious mind until it sinks into the subconscious and that’s when you have it, and it has you…all of you… your hopes, your thoughts, your efforts.”

Even though I have never met this couple, I’m sure the wind in their sails is filled with determination, focus, and unwavering courage.

Adam Grant, author of Think Again – The Power of Knowing What You Don’t Know, encourages us to examine the critical art of rethinking. Here, I offer men insights related to finding, building, and keeping love:

Insight #1: Look for a life partner.

Most men don’t know what they’re looking for in a partner. Or they think they do but they don’t really. Look beyond the usual, like her good looks. Rather than looking for ‘sudden and sexy’, consider what makes a great partner for you. Examine her emotional stability, kindness, loyalty, fitness level, positive mindset, and the skills to self-regulate, fight fair, have tough conservations, handle conflict, and manage stress.

Embody these attributes in yourself before you expect them from a potential partner.

Insight #2: Do your inner work.

Many men are haunted with childhood scripts on what it means to be a man: “No emotion. You can’t cry because boys don’t cry. Be a man. Suck it up. You can’t let your guard down…ever.” Hopefully, this wasn’t the case for you, but growing up, you saw many boys with that same trauma – and it is trauma, no dismissing it. Unless you deal with whatever demons terrorize your childhood memories, you will continue falling short in love. Like Matt Damon’s character in Good Will Hunting: it’s not…your…fault. It’s only your fault if you don’t deal with whatever’s in your past starting today.

Insight #3: Date smarter.

Apps and online dating sites are restrictive. The filters focus on superficial traits, making you over value characteristics like height, age, education, job, etc. If your age range starts with 55 and a woman is 54, you won’t see her – and she could be a great match. Most men don’t change filters once set. Change them. Then, get to know her through time spent messaging and going on actual dates.

Watch judgmental instincts. On a first date you may notice that she’s a real talker. That bothers you. Or you meet a woman who is highly accomplished, proud of her successes. You label her uppity. At Whole Foods, you meet an interesting woman in the check-out line. She reveals she’s vegan. You think, damn, I’m a steak-and-potatoes kind of guy. Be curious. Make fewer snap judgements.

Dating dos/don’ts. Look for conversation clues in her dating profile: “You’re adventuresome. What’s the wildest thing you’ve ever done?” “You’re full of energy. Bet your coffee is a double shot espresso.” Here’s some second date ideas: Take a cocktail-making class. Plan a picnic. Teach a card game. Watch a movie and discuss on a walk afterwards. Ride scooters. Show her you are a gentlemen: Refrain from sharing negative relationship or dating experiences. Be kind. Even if you’re not into her, be a grown-ass man about it. No ghosting. Ever.

Our lives are often guided by unfounded myths – our beliefs and what we allow others to speak into our lives. As you examine each myth, look to see how they’ve influenced decisions you’ve made in your love life. Your reflections may surprise you.

Myth #1: Divorce is a failed relationship.

Fact: Not necessarily. It’s only a failure if you don’t learn from your mistakes in the former marriage – and yes, you made mistakes. We all do. Many divorces are successful in that you recognize the end of a relationship means letting go of the other person.

Tip: Take a look at what you learned from your previous marriage and start seeing how things could be different in a new relationship. Our past relationships offer clues as to what we did right and wrong. A future partner will appreciate your willingness to grow and change.

Myth #2: I need to wait at least a year after a love loss to start dating again.

Fact: For some guys, that’s a wise practice, but for many others, it’s not. if you are newly widowed, only you (not society or other’s opinions) should determine when you seek new love. If divorced, your marriage may have been over for years before it ended.

Tip: This is the time to really look at yourself, by yourself, and reevaluate your life. The richest soil for growth can happen when you are unattached. Do the work. Now.

Myth #3: When filling out a dating profile, be general and cast a wide net.

Fact: Attracting, meeting, and dating women may not be an issue for you, but revolving-door dating is a waste of time. Be clear, specific, and honest when composing a written profile.

Tip: Go for what you want. Write a profile like you’re writing only to the woman you want to date. Be upfront on non-negotiables, such as religion, politics, and lifestyle. Getting pulled in by common generalities, like good looks, similar personalities, and shared interests can matter less than you think. Also, online is not the only way to meet women. Try a three-month offline dating cleanse. Make a list of where you can meet the most promising women: events, volunteering, workout facilities, community events, dinner groups, etc.

Myth #4: I need a ‘spark’ to know if she’s the right person for me.

Fact: Many successful couples will tell you that fireworks and instant chemistry were absent on their initial dates. Maybe the environment was not in their favor or nervousness got in the way. Instant chemistry can feel euphoric, but authentic, healthy, sexy, secure relationships build s-l-o-w-l-y.

Tip: A ‘spark’ has power. It can convince you that she is exactly who you’re looking for, which of course feels wonderful. But be cautious. What you’re experiencing is a smooth cocktail of neurochemicals that can lead to a love fog of infatuation, making you unable to think clearly or act reasonably.

Regardless of whether you’re dating again, after a divorce, significant breakup, or becoming widowed, or, you’ve been dating for some time, here are tips to increase your return on ROI of time, effort, and energy:

1. Both men and women are visual creatures, so your outer appearance really matters.
Don’t look at this as being superficial; like it or not, it’s just how humans are wired. Look your best. Act your best. Men, be the best gentlemen possible. Impeccable manners get noticed.

2. A first meet-up is best with coffee, drinks and appetizer, or brunch.
Make it 60 to 90 minutes, max (even if you have amazing chemistry right out of the gate). I’m not a fan of going to dinner as a dinner date with someone you aren’t interested in can seem like an eternity. ‘Meet-up-lite’, as coin it, will maximize your dating dollars. Gentlemen, pick up the tab the first few dates (you can decide how much you want to spend). If she offers to pay, kindly refuse.

3. Do not talk negatively about former relationships and partners.
Frame past experiences positively (what you learned from the experience and what you will never do again). Refrain from using the word ‘ex’ and replace with ‘former’. It’s way more respectful (even if you don’t quite feel it yet.)

4. Men can tend to dominate the conversation or only talk about themselves.
Women complain about this a lot! A man may catch himself, and say, “Hey, that’s enough about me. Let’s focus on you” but minutes later he returns to talking, missing the opportunity to engage her. Watch out for this. However, if she does this gently bring the conversation back to what you want her to know about you. Redirect and refocus.

5. To get to know a date better, ask open-ended questions.
This will allow you to learn more about her character, values, and interests. The key is to listen to understand and listen to respond (versus thinking what you will then say next). Here is a few to consider:

What do you do for work? What do you love about it?

If you were invited to a costume party, what would you wear that matched your personality?

If you had the opportunity to have dinner with anyone else in the world, who would you pick?

What would you like to learn more about?

What is the gutsiest thing you have ever done?

What would it be like to fall in love with you?

6. Be what you are looking for.
Many are searching for love. Do not, therefore, be the searcher. Rather, be that for which others are searching. Be what you wish to experience.

7. Recognize the ‘Love Cocktail’.
When attracted to someone, your brain and body are under the influence of a love-fog-of-infatuation. You can’t consciously control this but be aware of its potency.

8. Write down your personal brand attributes.
List your physical characteristics, skills, personality traits, abilities, interests, life view/worldview, and moral/spiritual beliefs. Don’t keep these in your mind; write them down.

9. If widowed, watch how much you talk about your last wife.
It’s fine to provide a few details but that’s it. The most important point to ask yourself is: Am I really ready to move forward? How do I know that? If you find yourself talking about her, a lot, just notice. A woman is interested in what life would be like with you, now, not what it looked like with them.

10. Let someone know if you are no longer interested.
Deliver the kind of message you would like to receive if the shoe were on the other foot. Do your best to not ignore messages or texts, especially those that pose a question. I know this can be hard but do your best. And lastly, DO NOT GHOST THEM!