Adam Grant, author of Think Again – The Power of Knowing What You Don’t Know, encourages us to examine the critical art of rethinking. Here, I offer men insights related to finding, building, and keeping love:
Insight #1: Look for a life partner.
Most men don’t know what they’re looking for in a partner. Or they think they do but they don’t really. Look beyond the usual, like her good looks. Rather than looking for ‘sudden and sexy’, consider what makes a great partner for you. Examine her emotional stability, kindness, loyalty, fitness level, positive mindset, and the skills to self-regulate, fight fair, have tough conservations, handle conflict, and manage stress.
Embody these attributes in yourself before you expect them from a potential partner.
Insight #2: Do your inner work.
Many men are haunted with childhood scripts on what it means to be a man: “No emotion. You can’t cry because boys don’t cry. Be a man. Suck it up. You can’t let your guard down…ever.” Hopefully, this wasn’t the case for you, but growing up, you saw many boys with that same trauma – and it is trauma, no dismissing it. Unless you deal with whatever demons terrorize your childhood memories, you will continue falling short in love. Like Matt Damon’s character in Good Will Hunting: it’s not…your…fault. It’s only your fault if you don’t deal with whatever’s in your past starting today.
Insight #3: Date smarter.
Apps and online dating sites are restrictive. The filters focus on superficial traits, making you over value characteristics like height, age, education, job, etc. If your age range starts with 55 and a woman is 54, you won’t see her – and she could be a great match. Most men don’t change filters once set. Change them. Then, get to know her through time spent messaging and going on actual dates.
Watch judgmental instincts. On a first date you may notice that she’s a real talker. That bothers you. Or you meet a woman who is highly accomplished, proud of her successes. You label her uppity. At Whole Foods, you meet an interesting woman in the check-out line. She reveals she’s vegan. You think, damn, I’m a steak-and-potatoes kind of guy. Be curious. Make fewer snap judgements.
Dating dos/don’ts. Look for conversation clues in her dating profile: “You’re adventuresome. What’s the wildest thing you’ve ever done?” “You’re full of energy. Bet your coffee is a double shot espresso.” Here’s some second date ideas: Take a cocktail-making class. Plan a picnic. Teach a card game. Watch a movie and discuss on a walk afterwards. Ride scooters. Show her you are a gentlemen: Refrain from sharing negative relationship or dating experiences. Be kind. Even if you’re not into her, be a grown-ass man about it. No ghosting. Ever.