Years after the breakup of my marriage, I discovered a startling thing. I had been a poor listener. The concept of listening as an acquired skill never crossed my mind. Talking is rampant in our society. We live in a society of talkers. We want to impress others (probably more unconsciously than not) that we know a lot of stuff.
We make statements far more than we ask questions.
I titled this article Radical Listening because most people think they listen well; however, they rarely do – not at a deep intentional level. Listening this way is a radical act (“radical” meaning, “departing markedly from the usual.”)
The great American psychologist, William James said, “The greatest need of the human soul is the need for appreciation, the need to feel important.” Listening is how we let someone know that we care. Most everyone we meet feels a deep longing to be heard. Often it seems that we listen better to our co-workers and bosses than to our spouses, partners, and children.
I recall attending a seminar where the facilitator challenged us to spend one day communicating only by asking questions—in other words, make no statements. Talk about difficult or near impossible! I encourage you to try this. As humans, we are so prone to telling people what we know versus gathering information—asking questions.
What Do You Listen for?
Start paying attention to what you “listen for”. It often contains a lot of prejudgment and preconception. In most cases, before you even begin a conversation with someone on a specific topic, you’ve already made a judgment about what they will say. You will “listen for” them to meet your expectations.
Say you’re the parent of a teenager. You came home and ask (as you have asked on many occasions), “Why can’t you be tidy around the house?” Then imagine that your teenager replied, “You know, I was thinking that myself. I’m going to start right now by cleaning my room.”’ You probably wouldn’t even hear what they said at first. You might wonder, “Is something wrong with my child?” You would almost certainly do a double take because it would contradict the expectations you typically listen for.
The Incisive Question
Nancy Kline in her book, Time to Think, introduces the concept of the incisive question. This is a question that removes limiting assumptions from your thinking, so that you can think again. An incisive question does this by replacing the limiting assumption with a freeing one.
Let’s say you want to elevate your leadership where you work but you share how talking to your manager or boss is something you are hesitant in doing. So I ask, “What might you be assuming that is stopping you from talking to her?” You tell me that you are assuming she will laugh at you and that she will think you aren’t qualified for your request. After more thinking, you realize also that you are assuming that, actually, well, she’s probably right.
That assumption sits there, a blob in your brain. You go through your whole day, perhaps even your whole week not talking to her. The assumption holds you back from doing what you want and need to do. The assumption limits your thinking and thus your life. The assumption is simple, but unwise.
An incisive question will help get rid of your assumption of being unqualified, replacing it with one that frees you to think of what to say to her and then say it.
A statement requires you to obey, where a question asks you to think.
Our mind resists commands and responds more freely with questions.
The first thing you want to do is to identify the assumption, that you are unqualified. Next, realize that this is an untrue assumption. Then remove the assumption by replacing it with another thought: you are qualified. Nest you create a new question: If you knew that you are qualified for the position, how would you talk to her – what would you say?
I use this technique with clients when they’re stuck and want to take action. I ask them: “What are you assuming here, that is stopping you?” They listen to the answer, identify the assumption, and remove it.
Here a several incisive questions. Note that the first part of each question asserts a positive assumption; the second part directs attention back to the issue or goal.
Three Incisive Questions:
If you found out that someone you love very much is going to die tomorrow, what would you want to be sure that you said to them today?
If you knew that you are beautiful just as you are, what would change for you?
If you knew that you are intelligent as your bosses, how would you present yourself to them?
Take time to really listen to someone today. Give the gift of a listening heart!
Book Sources: The Last Word on Power by Tracy Goss and Time to Think by Nancy Kline