Great leadership always starts on the inside.

Do you find that becoming your best at leadership is one of the biggest and most fulfilling challenges you’ll ever face?

Leadership determines the success or failure of an organization. And as a leader — aspiring or seasoned — the greatest asset you can offer your company, colleagues, loved ones, and the world at large, is a true understanding of your Inner Self.

Great leaders embrace the willingness and responsibility to improve their emotional intelligence (EQ) at the deepest inner level. This enables them to become the best version of themselves, to be the kind of person who inspires others to follow their lead.

But what does leadership – being a leader – really mean to you?

● WHAT IF leading means transparent connection, authentic communication, transformative purpose, and vulnerability-for-all?

● WHAT IF leading means being radically present to yourself and those you lead when conversations are unfolding in the moment?

● WHAT IF leading is more about managing intentions instead of setting goals?

● WHAT IF leading means discovering the truths and illusions in your own stories as well as in the stories or situations being told by those you lead?

● WHAT IF leading is all about being an open channel for the wisdom, insight, and energy passing through you in service of the person you’re leading?

Intrigued? Now’s the perfect time to take the LEADERSHIP INNER 10 SELF-ASSESSMENT.

How would you answer these questions about how you presently interact with those you lead?

1. Are you able to stay out of your head and in the moment, without the need to give advice about what they should do?

2. Can you stay out of judgment, with no need to impress them with your knowledge and opinions?
3. Can you practice the art of silence, asking only thoughtful questions and then patiently allowing space for whatever they feel needs to be said?

4. Can you give them time to release their “grip” on their stories before you step in to help?

5. Are you able to increase the depth of your radical presence, the astuteness and accuracy of your sensory observations, not attach, and yet be fully engaged in listening — in order to hear the subtle but powerful clues being offered?

6. Can you pay attention to what is being said, creating a sense of rapport and connection, while also silently detecting what is NOT being said in their story?

7. Are you able to offer perspectives that allow them to view their situation in new ways — helping them see unconscious biases as they look through your eyes rather than theirs?

8. Can you help them move to a different storyline. Let’s say their old storyline was, “When someone criticizes me, I will defend myself, withdraw, retreat, and cut myself off from further feedback.” Offering a new story line presents a new possibility: “OK, I’ve been given useful information; it’s not personal. I see this as an opportunity to replace a trigger with an aspiration to better self-regulate.”

9. Are you able to help them see what they can’t see on their own? For example, can you detect the unconscious elements in their stories (such as a repressed anger that threatens a relationship or complaining about a behavior they often display.) These elements can show up as a slip of the tongue, as awkward laughter, and as complaints about others. What we don’t like in others is often a mirror of ourselves.

10. Can you foster constructive dialogue and encourage an “invitational stance” rather than persuasive communication. This involves listening intently to the words they use, then using their own words to go deeper into a conversation. For example, if Mary says, ”I feel backed into a corner,” focus on the words ‘backed into a corner’. Say something like, “When you feel backed into a corner, what’s that like for you?” You listen, then ask another question, ”Anything else?” Keep listening, then ask, “What else?”

Every YES answer is indicative of a leader who has worked on developing his or her emotional intelligence. By embracing these insightful and powerful Inner Self questions, you can foster more meaningful and productive conversations with those you lead.

Can you picture scenarios where these prompts and questions can make your thinking clearer and your exchanges more effective? Give them a try and see what happens! I know from experience you’ll find your dialogues more enriching and empowering. This also gives you a good example of the depth of the Leadership curriculum offered in the Self Syllabus.

This article began as a deeply personal account, chronicling my divorce journey from beginning to end. Now, many years later, I hope that sharing my story on this blog will offer others a fresh perspective or perhaps help them navigate this transformative and often difficult experience in their own lives.

I understand that not every family can achieve our story, and I want to acknowledge that reality. Was this process challenging for us? Absolutely. Yet we managed to get through it.

Today, I’m pleased to share that our family remains strong and unified. My former husband has remarried and all of us continue to thrive. We have consciously chosen to move forward without conflict, and our son is now married and a parent himself.

My Starting Over Story

To be honest, I hate divorce. There’s no softer way to say it it breaks my heart when I hear of parents planning to separate. No one truly understands what lies ahead until they’ve gone through it themselves.

Let’s take a step back and consider “transition.” Whether we’re facing a major life change — like a career shift, divorce, or a significant loss — sometimes we can plan, but often we’re left simply reacting.

Each person responds differently to transitions, shaped by family, culture, personality, and life experience. Some move quickly through stages; others linger or skip them altogether.

Divorce changed my life and my son’s, for better and for worse. I witnessed firsthand how deeply it affected him. I hope sharing my story helps others —  men and women—navigate divorce in a healthier, more discerning way.

Every big transition, whether it’s the end of a relationship, job loss, or illness, follows three main phases:

1. Hanging On: Feeling frustrated, rejected, in denial, depressed, angry, victimized.

2. Letting Go: Accepting, releasing, allowing yourself to move forward.

3. Taking Action: Seeing new options, making plans, moving toward a new vision.

Here’s how I went through these phases during my divorce in my 40s, after 13 years of marriage and with an eight-year-old son.

The Hanging On Phase

Mild depression set in — I noticed it at a business event. Normally outgoing, I had no desire to socialize. I was just getting by, not thriving.

● Nothing seemed to make sense.

● I couldn’t think beyond the given moment, let alone set goals.

● I felt scattered and stuck.

● My eating habits had changed; I felt listless.

● My energy declined; I felt listless.

How did I support myself? I talked — a lot. Friends, a therapist, a coach, even strangers at the gym, and I journaled obsessively (ten journals!). One entry captures it:

“Dear Journal: I feel so burdened, so overwhelmed. I am in limbo and consumed with uncertainty.”

The Letting Go Phase 

● I felt an empty void inside and didn’t know how to fill it.

● I was ready to forgive — others and myself.

● I’m was tired of living in the past and wanted to move forward.

● I wanted to do something new, even if I wasn’t sure what.

● I wanted off the treadmill.

Journal entry: “Dear Journal: I no longer feel like a victim of my past. Many people blame others, but I don’t. I am the responsible person.”

The Taking Action Phase

● I felt excited about new possibilities.

● I was ready to make things happen.

● I saw patterns in what worked and didn’t, eager to use my past to build my future.

● I recognized my choices and started actively creating my future.

Journal entry: “Dear Journal: “Everything that happens, every feeling, every joy, every pain is to be embraced — they are all messengers, delivered to teach me, challenge me, and strengthen me.”

The real beauty is how my former husband  and I rebuilt our relationship. We approached divorce as a business partnership, united by our mission: “For the Love of Our Child.” Our goal was to create a peaceful, loving, and nurturing environment, modeling how divorced families can live in harmony.

As I continued in the Taking Action phase, I realized I wanted my life to mean something. I hope my experience gives others the courage to live authentically and with self-respect. A healthy divorce is possible — it’s not an oxymoron. My priority was minimizing my son’s emotional scars.

I was ready to make changes to move and move forward. If you’re not ready or willing, nothing changes — repeating the same actions expecting to get different results is the definition of insanity. For me, forgiveness was key, including forgiving myself. Here’s an exercise that helped:

The Compassionate Heart Exercise

Close your eyes and focus on your breathing. Breathe in and out several times. Next, think of a person you’re having difficulty with — someone who annoys you, you have judgments about, or even if you don’t know them, has somehow created problems for you.

Then, repeat the following sequence while thinking of that person:

“This person has a heart and breathes…just like me.”

“This person has hopes and dreams, fears and despair…just like me.”

“This person has challenges and obstacles, opportunities and possibilities…just like me.”

“This person judges and is judged…just like me.”

“This person feels sorrow and happiness…just like me.”

“This person wins some and loses some…just like me.”

“This person deserves compassion and respect…just like me.”

“This person was once a child, curious in every way…just like me.”

“This person wants only the best for themselves…just like me.”

Stop and reflect…how do you feel about the person now?

Source: Coach University

I once heard: “Forgiveness is giving love when there’s no reason to.” And, “You can’t give what you don’t have.” I needed to forgive myself first.

The day my divorce was final, I typed these words describing my journey — despair, darkness, grief, loss — and burned the paper in a ritual release, praying for my new life.

Remember: Feelings buried inside never die; often they grow stronger.

That same day I wrote my now-former husband (I never use the words “ex-husband” – former is kinder) a letter to bring closure:

”Today we are no longer married; no longer husband and wife. I saw a card that said: ‘”Times change, jobs change, relationships change…friends remain.” That sums up where we are after our journey. I dreamt of a fork in the road — one path higher, one path lower, each marked with our son’s face. The low road showed an unhappy child; the high road, a calm one. I salute us for taking the high road and making our son’s well-being our priority. 

I apologize for any hurtful comments during heated moments — you didn’t deserve them. Thank you for supporting me when my dad passed. As the mother of our son, I know you’ll be there for us. 

Our marriage taught me a lot about myself. I saw destructive patterns and made it my goal to “re-wire” who I was. We’re all works-in-progress, but I’ve come along way. The best gift we can give our child — and the world — is our own personal development.

Thank you for being a great dad. I wish you a great life and look forward to supporting you as the best dad and former husband you can be. God bless you!”

Love, Cindy

If you’re divorcing or divorced, ask yourself”

● What’s next?

● How far have I come?

● What lessons am I taking away?

● Who have I become?

● What did it take to get here?

● What have I learned about myself?

● What does it mean to live fully?

● How can I help others?

● What acknowledgment do I want to give myself and others?

I’ll end with a metaphor: Life is like driving — your windshield (the present) is much bigger than your rear-view mirrors (the past).

Spend your time looking forward, not backward. Live in the present.

Finally, I share a poem that helped me through:

Comes the Dawn

After a while you learn the subtle difference

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning

And company doesn’t mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts

And presents aren’t promises,

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes open,

With the grace of a man or woman,

Not the grief of a child.

With every goodbye you learn.

—Author Unknown

 

Paying tribute to my mom, Atlanta Georgia (yes, that is her real name), I’m sharing a glimpse of who she is and how she impacted my life. At 92, a milestone by anyone’s standards, Georgia was still driving a 4-speed Chevy truck with no power brakes or power steering. Unbelievable! I’d drive the truck during my visits with her and have to see a chiropractor upon my return home–no kidding! Recently, though, failing eyesight forced her to give up driving, much to her displeasure.

What is so special about Georgia and why would I write about her? The title of this article says it all: a person can choose to change their thinking no matter how old they are. It’s about willingness, not age. This article is dedicated to Georgia, her inner strength and spirit, and her willingness to change and continue growing as a person, even though she is a very senior citizen. I refer to her as a late-consciousness bloomer.

Before she became enlightened, I would tease her saying, “Mom, your angels are calling out, ‘Georgia, Georgia, Georgia, when are you gonna learn? We know it’s not your time to come to heaven; but would you please lighten up? It doesn’t matter that your son-in-law, Ed, bought red potatoes rather than russet. They stew the same! Who cares anyway? Don’t get angry, get happy.” And Mom would try to coach herself, thinking “Shut up Georgia – keep your mouth shut! It isn’t any of your business! If the kids don’t care about something, why should you care about what they don’t care about? Who cares anyway?”

So how did the transformation take place?

She could have easily thought, “I’m too old to think differently. You guys are the problem, not me. I’m 91 and I ought to know something.” What happened? How did Georgia move from a dysfunctional, negative state to a positive place?

Mom and Dad had lived with my sister, Ann, and her husband Ed for many years and let’s just say “the kitchen had room for only one cook.” They had some tumultuous times, and, after one final argument, my parents decided to move out. Can you imagine a 90- and 94-year-old moving out of their home, and refusing help? Anger can create powerful physical/mental strength and they accomplished this move, single-handed! (No martyrdom here, right?).

Dad had a stroke in 1999 and passed on (or as he would say, “went to his happy hunting ground”). Mom moved back with Ann and Ed, but the anger, anxiety and nasty words began to flourish again. Dad’s death had initially brought our family back together, but it became apparent that things hadn’t really changed. At this time, God made me realize that I was to be the catalyst for change in her life.

By the grace of God, Mom began listening to what life was telling her; she even seemed to enjoy the conversations we would have about life and change. Last year when she was visiting, we were driving to my son’s soccer match in Elkin and I said, “Mom, I think this cassette tape has a message for you.” For an hour she listened to and processed the tape (it was on forgiveness and letting go). We discussed it afterwards and I could see a light bulb switch on in her head and in her heart. It was astonishing!

As a personal development coach, I’ve developed enhanced listening skills and I was utilizing them to the max. I’ve discovered that being heard, really heard and seen is the key to developing strong personal relationships. One of my favorite movies is Runaway Bride, with Richard Gere and Julia Roberts. There is a scene where Richard is sitting next to his former wife, playing the piano, and he asks her, “Did I ever see you?” She says, “No, you never did.”

I was given an incredible opportunity to see my mom. I could see her grieving over Daddy’s death. I could see how lonely she was and how her low self-esteem was severely impacting her life. She made others wrong so she in turn could be right. Sometimes we do crazy stuff in our lives. In retrospect, it makes no sense, but still we continue on autopilot.

There’s a saying, “Walk 100 hundred miles in my moccasins.” I would revise that to: “To walk 100 miles in my moccasins, you must first take off yours.”

So how was it that I could break through the pains of my childhood and allow mother-daughter love to flow, not only for me but also for my family? Don Miguel Ruiz’s book, The Four Agreements, became a source of knowledge that explained how our beliefs rob us of joy and create needless suffering. These four Agreements have been pivotal in my thinking. They are: Don’t Take Anything Personally, Always Do Your Best, Don’t Make Assumptions and Be Impeccable with Your Word. I invite you to explore the wisdom this book offers. It is life changing.

Early mornings when I walk my dog, Brandy, we walk on a bridge over a lake. As we walk, I notice the early morning mist, the trees that seem almost black, and the lake appearing dark. As we turn around and head home, I notice the sun peeking out of the clouds, the colors of the leaves brilliantly changing, the reflective lake surface now shining with soft silvery ripples. How different things look when we look for new perspectives. I am amazed.

My point is this: Pay attention to the other person’s viewpoint; see the other side of things, not just your own. I did, and it made an incredible difference in my family.

My brother-in-law, Ed, emailed and said he could not believe the change in Mom. He asked, “What did you do?” I replied: “I listened; I heard and left the judgment behind. Mom did all the work.”

Remember you can’t change anyone. Only they can change themselves. So don’t give up on people too quickly; they are doing the best they know how to do. And even though this is a tough one, just like one of the Four Agreements, don’t take things personally.

Originally written October 2002; Atlanta Georgia Valliere Passed Away on May 15, 2003.

Do you find that becoming your best at love is one of the biggest and most fulfilling challenges you’ll ever face?

How you love your partner can determine the success or failure of your relationship. And as a lover — aspiring or seasoned — the greatest asset you can offer them is a true understanding of your Inner Self.

Being great at love requires the willingness and responsibility to improve your emotional intelligence (EQ) at the deepest inner level. This enables you to become the best version of your Self, to be the kind of person who people want to love.

What does love – being loving to your partner – really mean to you?

● WHAT IF loving means transparent connection, authentic communication, transformative purpose, and vulnerability?

● WHAT IF loving means being radically present to yourself and those you love when conversations are unfolding in the moment?

● WHAT IF loving means discovering the truths and illusions in your own stories and the stories or situations told by those you love?

● WHAT IF loving is about being an open channel for the wisdom, insight, and energy inside of you in service of the person you love?

● WHAT IF loving is more about managing relational intentions instead of setting relational goals?

Intrigued? Now’s the perfect time to take the LOVE INNER 10 SELF-ASSESSMENT.

How would you answer these questions about how you presently interact with your partner?

1. Are you able to stay out of your head and in the moment, without the need to give advice about what you think should happen? (Relate this to a situation you are working on in the relationship)

2. Can you stay out of judgment, with no need to impress them with your knowledge and opinions? (Not being right)

3. Can you practice the art of silence, asking only thoughtful questions and then patiently allowing space for whatever they feel needs to be said?

4. Can you give them time to release their “grip” on their stories before you step in to help? (Telling them what they should feel or should not feel)

5. Are you able to increase the depth of your radical presence, the astuteness and accuracy of your sensory observations — not attach — and yet be fully engaged in listening in order to hear the subtle but powerful clues being offered?

6. Can you pay attention to what is being said, creating a sense of rapport and connection, while also silently detecting what is NOT being said in their story?

7. Are you able to think of new perspectives about what’s going on between you, helping to see unconscious biases as you look through their eyes rather than yours?

8. Can you help yourself move to a different inner storyline. Let’s say your old storyline was, “When you criticize me, I will defend myself, withdraw, retreat, and cut myself off from further feedback.” Offer yourself a new inner story line that can present a new possibility: “OK, I’ve been given useful information; it’s not personal. I see this as an opportunity to replace a trigger with an aspiration to better self-regulate.”

9. Are you able to see what they can’t see on their own? For example, can you detect the unconscious elements in their stories (such as a repressed anger that threatens a relationship or complaining about a behavior they often display)” These elements can show up as a slip of the tongue, as awkward laughter, and as complaints about others. What we don’t like in others is often a mirror of ourselves.

10. Can you foster constructive dialogue and encourage an “invitational stance” rather than persuasive communication. This involves listening intently to the words your partner uses, then using their own words to go deeper into a conversation. For example, if Mary says, ”I feel backed into a corner in our relationship,” focus on the words ‘backed into a corner”. Say something like, “When you feel backed into a corner, what’s that like for you?” You listen, then ask another question, ”Anything else?” Keep listening, then ask, “What else?”

Every YES answer is indicative of a loving person who has worked on developing his or her emotional intelligence. By embracing these insightful and powerful Inner Self questions, you can foster more meaningful and productive conversations with those you love.

Can you picture scenarios where these prompts and questions can make your thinking clearer and your exchanges more effective? Give them a try and see what happens! I know from experience you’ll find your dialogues more enriching and empowering. This also gives you a good example of the depth of the LOVE curriculum offered in the Self Syllabus.

One Saturday evening I was having dinner with a few female friends when our conversation turned to men and love (what else is new; we women are so predictable). One friend shared that her current relationship was ending. Her comment was: “Here I thought I had finally found the right man – and now, look where I am once again — with the wrong man!”

When my friend was sharing her dilemma of finding “the right man”, I recalled reading Neal Donald Walsch’s book, Conversations with God for Teens (at that time I was working with students and young professionals).

In Chapter 12, called Love, a girl named Cary, age l9, asked God the following question: “When are you (God) going to send me someone who will love me and see me for everything that I am (my quirks, flaws, etc?) – the way I look at everyone and appreciate them?

I have sent you someone, Cary. Me!

“Well you know, God, I appreciate that, but what I would also appreciate is another human being in my life to share days and evenings with me.”

I know that. I understand that. Now I’m going to tell you how to find that.

“Great!”

Simply be what you are looking for.

“Be what I am looking for?”

Yes. Instead of searching for someone to love, be someone who could be loved. Send what you wish to receive. Be what you wish to experience. This is the greatest secret in all of life.

Be what you are looking for, and what you are looking for will find you. Everyone is looking for the same thing. Do not, therefore, be the searcher. Rather, be that for which others are searching.

WOW! This concept is so simple, yet so powerful. This thought process could also apply to business.

Think about this: Sara, age 26, is a pharmaceutical rep and desires to attract the “ideal client”. She creates a list of desirable characteristics and then works on becoming what she is searching for. Sara conducts her business with integrity, honesty, forthrightness, listening skills, and so on – all attributes she wants to experience in a client. Like attracts like. It has worked for Sara, and it can work for you too.

Try this concept in your life. Have fun with it! I can tell you from personal experience – this really works!