Great leadership always starts on the inside.

Do you find that becoming your best at leadership is one of the biggest and most fulfilling challenges you’ll ever face?

Leadership determines the success or failure of an organization. And as a leader — aspiring or seasoned — the greatest asset you can offer your company, colleagues, loved ones, and the world at large, is a true understanding of your Inner Self.

Great leaders embrace the willingness and responsibility to improve their emotional intelligence (EQ) at the deepest inner level. This enables them to become the best version of themselves, to be the kind of person who inspires others to follow their lead.

But what does leadership – being a leader – really mean to you?

● WHAT IF leading means transparent connection, authentic communication, transformative purpose, and vulnerability-for-all?

● WHAT IF leading means being radically present to yourself and those you lead when conversations are unfolding in the moment?

● WHAT IF leading is more about managing intentions instead of setting goals?

● WHAT IF leading means discovering the truths and illusions in your own stories as well as in the stories or situations being told by those you lead?

● WHAT IF leading is all about being an open channel for the wisdom, insight, and energy passing through you in service of the person you’re leading?

Intrigued? Now’s the perfect time to take the LEADERSHIP INNER 10 SELF-ASSESSMENT.

How would you answer these questions about how you presently interact with those you lead?

1. Are you able to stay out of your head and in the moment, without the need to give advice about what they should do?

2. Can you stay out of judgment, with no need to impress them with your knowledge and opinions?
3. Can you practice the art of silence, asking only thoughtful questions and then patiently allowing space for whatever they feel needs to be said?

4. Can you give them time to release their “grip” on their stories before you step in to help?

5. Are you able to increase the depth of your radical presence, the astuteness and accuracy of your sensory observations, not attach, and yet be fully engaged in listening — in order to hear the subtle but powerful clues being offered?

6. Can you pay attention to what is being said, creating a sense of rapport and connection, while also silently detecting what is NOT being said in their story?

7. Are you able to offer perspectives that allow them to view their situation in new ways — helping them see unconscious biases as they look through your eyes rather than theirs?

8. Can you help them move to a different storyline. Let’s say their old storyline was, “When someone criticizes me, I will defend myself, withdraw, retreat, and cut myself off from further feedback.” Offering a new story line presents a new possibility: “OK, I’ve been given useful information; it’s not personal. I see this as an opportunity to replace a trigger with an aspiration to better self-regulate.”

9. Are you able to help them see what they can’t see on their own? For example, can you detect the unconscious elements in their stories (such as a repressed anger that threatens a relationship or complaining about a behavior they often display.) These elements can show up as a slip of the tongue, as awkward laughter, and as complaints about others. What we don’t like in others is often a mirror of ourselves.

10. Can you foster constructive dialogue and encourage an “invitational stance” rather than persuasive communication. This involves listening intently to the words they use, then using their own words to go deeper into a conversation. For example, if Mary says, ”I feel backed into a corner,” focus on the words ‘backed into a corner’. Say something like, “When you feel backed into a corner, what’s that like for you?” You listen, then ask another question, ”Anything else?” Keep listening, then ask, “What else?”

Every YES answer is indicative of a leader who has worked on developing his or her emotional intelligence. By embracing these insightful and powerful Inner Self questions, you can foster more meaningful and productive conversations with those you lead.

Can you picture scenarios where these prompts and questions can make your thinking clearer and your exchanges more effective? Give them a try and see what happens! I know from experience you’ll find your dialogues more enriching and empowering. This also gives you a good example of the depth of the Leadership curriculum offered in the Self Syllabus.

I originally wrote this highly personal article documenting my divorce journey from start to finish. Now, decades later, I’m hopeful that this blog writing will somehow help others by offering perhaps a new perspective or even change how they move through this challenging and life-altering experience.

To be candid, I hate divorce. I don’t how to say this any other way. It breaks my heart when I hear of parents planning to divorce.

They can’t possibly know what lies ahead. Only direct experience takes you there.

Let’s step back to examine the word “transition”. Few of us know exactly when a major career or life transition is coming. Sometimes we can plan for it, and other times all we can do in the moment is to react.

We all respond to transitions in a unique way. Our family backgrounds, heredity, culture, education, and personality cause us to respond to change differently. And we don’t all move through these stages in the same way. Some skip stages and some experience different intensity levels in each phase.

Divorce impacted not only my life but my son’s life, forever. Some good things resulted from this and some not-so-good things. I saw, up close and personal, the effect it had on my son.

I am hopeful that my experience will show both men and women how to navigate divorce in a more discerning and healthy manner.

There are three phases in any type of significant transition, whether a significant relationship loss (divorce, breakup, or loss of a spouse), losing a job, career change, or serious medical diagnoses:

1. Hanging On: Frustrated, rejected, in-denial, depressed, angry, victim

2. Letting Go: Acceptance, release, giving yourself permission to let go

3. Taking Action: Seeing options, opportunities, new path, vision, and action plan

Let’s look at my life and how I handled my divorce, in my 40s, married for over 13 years with an eight-year-old son.

The Hanging On Phase.

I felt mild depression setting in. This came to light when attending a business social function. Usually a ball of fire, I realized with surprise that I had no desire to mingle. I was going through the motions. I wasn’t thriving in life; I was simply hanging on.

● Nothing seemed to make sense.

● I couldn’t think beyond the given moment, let alone set any goals.

● I felt scattered, spinning my wheels, and going nowhere.

● My eating habits had changed. I was losing weight.

● My energy declined. I felt listless.

How did I emotionally support myself during this ‘hanging on’ stage? I talked a lot — at times obsessively, externally processing through my situation, whether it was my friends, my therapist, my coach, or sometimes perfect strangers at the gym, and journaling like crazy. During my transition, I wrote ten journals! Here is a journal entry to share what I was experiencing:

“Dear Journal: I feel so burdened, so overwhelmed. I am in limbo and consumed with uncertainty.”

The Letting Go phase. 

● There was a void inside my inner being and I didn’t know how to fill it.

● I’m ready and willing to forgive others and myself.

● I’m tired of living in the past and am ready to move forward.

● I know I want to do something, even if I don’t know what it is yet.

● I’m tired and want off this treadmill. Here’s another journal entry that illustrates I was moving through this phase:

“Dear Journal: I no longer feel like a victim of my past. Many people blame others, but I don’t. I am the responsible person.”

The Taking Action phase.

● I’m excited about the possibilities in front of me.

● I’m ready to make something happen.

● I’m noticing patterns in what worked and didn’t work for me. I’m ready to use the past to discover and create the future.

● I now recognize that I have choices and I’m actively creating my future. Another journal entry indicates that I am clearly ready to move forward:

“Dear Journal: “Everything that happens, every feeling, every joy, every pain is to be embraced as they are all messengers, delivered to me to teach me about life, to challenge me and strengthen me.”

The real beauty, I believe, lies in how my former husband  and I built a new type of relationship. We went about our divorce as if it were a business arrangement, as a newly formed entity called: “For the Love of Our Child” with this mission statement:

To create and maintain a family environment of peace, love, and calmness. To show the world a new way – a new model of how divorced families can live in peace and harmony, providing a nurturing environment for each other.

My continued progress in the Taking Action stage was quite successful. I realized I want my life to count for something. My divorce experience can give someone else the courage and motivation to empower them to live a life of self-respect and authenticity, to become self-aware. I believe that a healthy divorce is not an oxymoron; it’s a valid choice. For me, there was no other option. And I would do whatever it took to minimize my son’s scar tissue.

I was ready and willing to make the necessary changes to move on with my life. If someone isn’t ready and aren’t willing to make changes, nothing will change. (The definition of insanity is repeating the same action and expecting different results.) To move on, I knew that I needed to forgive certain people, including myself. Here’s an exercise that helped with this process.

The Compassionate Heart Exercise

Close your eyes and focus on your breathing. Breathe in and out several times. Next, think of a person you’re having difficulty with – someone who annoys you, you have judgments about, or even if you don’t know them, has somehow created problems for you. Then, repeat the following sequence while thinking of that person:

“This person has a heart and breathes…just like me.”

“This person has hopes and dreams, fears and despair…just like me.”

“This person has challenges and obstacles, opportunities and possibilities…just like me.”

“This person judges and is judged…just like me.”

“This person feels sorrow and happiness…just like me.”

“This person wins some and loses some…just like me.”

“This person deserves compassion and respect…just like me.”

“This person was once a child, curious in every way…just like me.”

“This person wants only the best for themselves…just like me.”

Stop and reflect…how do you feel about the person now?

Source: Coach University

I once heard a quote (source unknown): “Forgiveness is giving love when there’s no reason to.” Another saying is: “You can’t give what you don’t have.” I couldn’t give the gift of forgiveness unless I first forgave myself.

The day my divorce was finalized, I sat at my computer, typing in the words that reminded me of my recent journey, and printed them out in large, bold type – ‘Despair, Darkness, Black, Unworthy, Sadness, Tears, Sick, Broken, Hate My Life, Loss, and Grief’.

That evening I went outside and performed a ritual by burning this one piece of paper. I mentally released these feelings and said a prayer for my new life as I watched the paper go up in flames.

Remember this: Feelings buried inside never die. What’s buried often grows more.

That same day I wrote my now-former husband (I never use the words “ex-husband” – former is a lot kinder) the following letter. It expressed my true feelings and brought closure to the relationship:

”Today we are no longer married; no longer husband and wife. I recently saw a card that said: ‘Times change, jobs change, relationships change…friends remain.’ To me, that sums up where we are after a long and difficult journey.

I dreamt that we had come to a fork in the road. In one direction the road went higher and the other fork headed lower. Each path had a road marker with a picture of our son’s face. The low road showed the unhappy face of an emotionally distraught child. 5

The high road displayed a calm face. I salute us for taking the high road and making our son’s emotional well-being the number one priority in our lives. Even though it was extremely difficult sometimes, we dealt with our anger and stopped trying to prove each other wrong. (I’ve learned that when you make someone wrong, you get to feel right). What a blessing that we could move beyond our anger!

During several “heated” moments, I made some pretty nasty comments, and I would like to apologize. You didn’t deserve them, and I am sorry. You know how difficult these past few months have been for me with the passing of my dad; and I appreciated your support at a time when I was down. As the mother of our son, I know that you will be there for us if we need you.

The experiences in our marriage taught me so much about me; things I didn’t like, once I faced the truth. I could see patterns that were destructive to me and to you and I made it my highest goal to look into my soul to “re-wire” who I was. Even though I believe we are all works-in-progress, I have come a long way. I truly believe the best gift we can give to our child – and the world, for that matter – is our own personal development.

Thank you for being a great dad. I wish you a great life and look forward to supporting you to be the best dad and former husband you can be. God bless you!”

Love, Cindy

So ended that chapter of my divorce story. And the success of our unique family continues today. All of us have moved on and our relationship is free of conflict (by choice) and our son is thriving, now married and a parent.

If you’re divorced, ask yourself the following questions:

● What’s next?

● How far have I come?

● What gold nuggets am I taking away from this experience?

● Who have I become?

● What did it take to get here?

● What have I learned about myself?

● What does it mean to live life fully?

● How can I help others going through this process?

● What acknowledgment would I like to give myself and others?

I close this article with a metaphor: Imagine you’re driving down the road in your vehicle. Notice the overall size of your windshield. Next, notice the size of your three rear-view mirrors. They’re pretty small in comparison to the windshield, aren’t they? The windshield represents your present life – NOW – and the rear-view mirrors represent your past. As you drive you mostly look forward, only briefly glancing up at the rear-view mirrors. Life should be the same way.

Spend your time focusing forward, not backward. Live in the present moment.

I share a poem that a dear friend gave to me right when I most needed it:

Comes the Dawn

After a while you learn the subtle difference

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning

And company doesn’t mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts

And presents aren’t promises,

And you begin to accept your defeats With your head up and your eyes open,

With the grace of a man or woman,

Not the grief of a child.

And learn to build all your roads

On today because tomorrow’s ground

Is too uncertain for plans, and futures have

A way of falling down in mid -flight.

After awhile you learn that even sunshine

Burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden and decorate

Your own soul, instead of waiting

For someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure.

That you really are strong

And you really do have worth.

And you learn and learn…

With every goodbye you learn.

 

Paying tribute to my mom, Atlanta Georgia (yes, that is her real name), I’m sharing a glimpse of who she is and how she impacted my life. At 92, a milestone by anyone’s standards, Georgia was still driving a 4-speed Chevy truck with no power brakes or power steering. Unbelievable! I’d drive the truck during my visits with her and have to see a chiropractor upon my return home–no kidding! Recently, though, failing eyesight forced her to give up driving, much to her displeasure.

What is so special about Georgia and why would I write about her? The title of this article says it all: a person can choose to change their thinking no matter how old they are. It’s about willingness, not age. This article is dedicated to Georgia, her inner strength and spirit, and her willingness to change and continue growing as a person, even though she is a very senior citizen. I refer to her as a late-consciousness bloomer.

Before she became enlightened, I would tease her saying, “Mom, your angels are calling out, ‘Georgia, Georgia, Georgia, when are you gonna learn? We know it’s not your time to come to heaven; but would you please lighten up? It doesn’t matter that your son-in-law, Ed, bought red potatoes rather than russet. They stew the same! Who cares anyway? Don’t get angry, get happy.” And Mom would try to coach herself, thinking “Shut up Georgia – keep your mouth shut! It isn’t any of your business! If the kids don’t care about something, why should you care about what they don’t care about? Who cares anyway?”

So how did the transformation take place?

She could have easily thought, “I’m too old to think differently. You guys are the problem, not me. I’m 91 and I ought to know something.” What happened? How did Georgia move from a dysfunctional, negative state to a positive place?

Mom and Dad had lived with my sister, Ann, and her husband Ed for many years and let’s just say “the kitchen had room for only one cook.” They had some tumultuous times, and, after one final argument, my parents decided to move out. Can you imagine a 90- and 94-year-old moving out of their home, and refusing help? Anger can create powerful physical/mental strength and they accomplished this move, single-handed! (No martyrdom here, right?).

Dad had a stroke in 1999 and passed on (or as he would say, “went to his happy hunting ground”). Mom moved back with Ann and Ed, but the anger, anxiety and nasty words began to flourish again. Dad’s death had initially brought our family back together, but it became apparent that things hadn’t really changed. At this time, God made me realize that I was to be the catalyst for change in her life.

By the grace of God, Mom began listening to what life was telling her; she even seemed to enjoy the conversations we would have about life and change. Last year when she was visiting, we were driving to my son’s soccer match in Elkin and I said, “Mom, I think this cassette tape has a message for you.” For an hour she listened to and processed the tape (it was on forgiveness and letting go). We discussed it afterwards and I could see a light bulb switch on in her head and in her heart. It was astonishing!

As a personal development coach, I’ve developed enhanced listening skills and I was utilizing them to the max. I’ve discovered that being heard, really heard and seen is the key to developing strong personal relationships. One of my favorite movies is Runaway Bride, with Richard Gere and Julia Roberts. There is a scene where Richard is sitting next to his former wife, playing the piano, and he asks her, “Did I ever see you?” She says, “No, you never did.”

I was given an incredible opportunity to see my mom. I could see her grieving over Daddy’s death. I could see how lonely she was and how her low self-esteem was severely impacting her life. She made others wrong so she in turn could be right. Sometimes we do crazy stuff in our lives. In retrospect, it makes no sense, but still we continue on autopilot.

There’s a saying, “Walk 100 hundred miles in my moccasins.” I would revise that to: “To walk 100 miles in my moccasins, you must first take off yours.”

So how was it that I could break through the pains of my childhood and allow mother-daughter love to flow, not only for me but also for my family? Don Miguel Ruiz’s book, The Four Agreements, became a source of knowledge that explained how our beliefs rob us of joy and create needless suffering. These four Agreements have been pivotal in my thinking. They are: Don’t Take Anything Personally, Always Do Your Best, Don’t Make Assumptions and Be Impeccable with Your Word. I invite you to explore the wisdom this book offers. It is life changing.

Early mornings when I walk my dog, Brandy, we walk on a bridge over a lake. As we walk, I notice the early morning mist, the trees that seem almost black, and the lake appearing dark. As we turn around and head home, I notice the sun peeking out of the clouds, the colors of the leaves brilliantly changing, the reflective lake surface now shining with soft silvery ripples. How different things look when we look for new perspectives. I am amazed.

My point is this: Pay attention to the other person’s viewpoint; see the other side of things, not just your own. I did, and it made an incredible difference in my family.

My brother-in-law, Ed, emailed and said he could not believe the change in Mom. He asked, “What did you do?” I replied: “I listened; I heard and left the judgment behind. Mom did all the work.”

Remember you can’t change anyone. Only they can change themselves. So don’t give up on people too quickly; they are doing the best they know how to do. And even though this is a tough one, just like one of the Four Agreements, don’t take things personally.

Originally written October 2002; Atlanta Georgia Valliere Passed Away on May 15, 2003.

Do you find that becoming your best at love is one of the biggest and most fulfilling challenges you’ll ever face?

How you love your partner can determine the success or failure of your relationship. And as a lover — aspiring or seasoned — the greatest asset you can offer them is a true understanding of your Inner Self.

Being great at love requires the willingness and responsibility to improve your emotional intelligence (EQ) at the deepest inner level. This enables you to become the best version of your Self, to be the kind of person who people want to love.

What does love – being loving to your partner – really mean to you?

● WHAT IF loving means transparent connection, authentic communication, transformative purpose, and vulnerability?

● WHAT IF loving means being radically present to yourself and those you love when conversations are unfolding in the moment?

● WHAT IF loving means discovering the truths and illusions in your own stories and the stories or situations told by those you love?

● WHAT IF loving is about being an open channel for the wisdom, insight, and energy inside of you in service of the person you love?

● WHAT IF loving is more about managing relational intentions instead of setting relational goals?

Intrigued? Now’s the perfect time to take the LOVE INNER 10 SELF-ASSESSMENT.

How would you answer these questions about how you presently interact with your partner?

1. Are you able to stay out of your head and in the moment, without the need to give advice about what you think should happen? (Relate this to a situation you are working on in the relationship)

2. Can you stay out of judgment, with no need to impress them with your knowledge and opinions? (Not being right)

3. Can you practice the art of silence, asking only thoughtful questions and then patiently allowing space for whatever they feel needs to be said?

4. Can you give them time to release their “grip” on their stories before you step in to help? (Telling them what they should feel or should not feel)

5. Are you able to increase the depth of your radical presence, the astuteness and accuracy of your sensory observations — not attach — and yet be fully engaged in listening in order to hear the subtle but powerful clues being offered?

6. Can you pay attention to what is being said, creating a sense of rapport and connection, while also silently detecting what is NOT being said in their story?

7. Are you able to think of new perspectives about what’s going on between you, helping to see unconscious biases as you look through their eyes rather than yours?

8. Can you help yourself move to a different inner storyline. Let’s say your old storyline was, “When you criticize me, I will defend myself, withdraw, retreat, and cut myself off from further feedback.” Offer yourself a new inner story line that can present a new possibility: “OK, I’ve been given useful information; it’s not personal. I see this as an opportunity to replace a trigger with an aspiration to better self-regulate.”

9. Are you able to see what they can’t see on their own? For example, can you detect the unconscious elements in their stories (such as a repressed anger that threatens a relationship or complaining about a behavior they often display)” These elements can show up as a slip of the tongue, as awkward laughter, and as complaints about others. What we don’t like in others is often a mirror of ourselves.

10. Can you foster constructive dialogue and encourage an “invitational stance” rather than persuasive communication. This involves listening intently to the words your partner uses, then using their own words to go deeper into a conversation. For example, if Mary says, ”I feel backed into a corner in our relationship,” focus on the words ‘backed into a corner”. Say something like, “When you feel backed into a corner, what’s that like for you?” You listen, then ask another question, ”Anything else?” Keep listening, then ask, “What else?”

Every YES answer is indicative of a loving person who has worked on developing his or her emotional intelligence. By embracing these insightful and powerful Inner Self questions, you can foster more meaningful and productive conversations with those you love.

Can you picture scenarios where these prompts and questions can make your thinking clearer and your exchanges more effective? Give them a try and see what happens! I know from experience you’ll find your dialogues more enriching and empowering. This also gives you a good example of the depth of the LOVE curriculum offered in the Self Syllabus.

One Saturday evening I was having dinner with a few female friends when our conversation turned to men and love (what else is new; we women are so predictable). One friend shared that her current relationship was ending. Her comment was: “Here I thought I had finally found the right man – and now, look where I am once again — with the wrong man!”

When my friend was sharing her dilemma of finding “the right man”, I recalled reading Neal Donald Walsch’s book, Conversations with God for Teens (at that time I was working with students and young professionals).

In Chapter 12, called Love, a girl named Cary, age l9, asked God the following question: “When are you (God) going to send me someone who will love me and see me for everything that I am (my quirks, flaws, etc?) – the way I look at everyone and appreciate them?

I have sent you someone, Cary. Me!

“Well you know, God, I appreciate that, but what I would also appreciate is another human being in my life to share days and evenings with me.”

I know that. I understand that. Now I’m going to tell you how to find that.

“Great!”

Simply be what you are looking for.

“Be what I am looking for?”

Yes. Instead of searching for someone to love, be someone who could be loved. Send what you wish to receive. Be what you wish to experience. This is the greatest secret in all of life.

Be what you are looking for, and what you are looking for will find you. Everyone is looking for the same thing. Do not, therefore, be the searcher. Rather, be that for which others are searching.

WOW! This concept is so simple, yet so powerful. This thought process could also apply to business.

Think about this: Sara, age 26, is a pharmaceutical rep and desires to attract the “ideal client”. She creates a list of desirable characteristics and then works on becoming what she is searching for. Sara conducts her business with integrity, honesty, forthrightness, listening skills, and so on – all attributes she wants to experience in a client. Like attracts like. It has worked for Sara, and it can work for you too.

Try this concept in your life. Have fun with it! I can tell you from personal experience – this really works!