Paying tribute to my mom, Atlanta Georgia (yes, that is her real name), I’m sharing a glimpse of who she is and how she impacted my life. At 92, a milestone by anyone’s standards, Georgia was still driving a 4-speed Chevy truck with no power brakes or power steering. Unbelievable! I’d drive the truck during my visits with her and have to see a chiropractor upon my return home–no kidding! Recently, though, failing eyesight forced her to give up driving, much to her displeasure.
What is so special about Georgia and why would I write about her? The title of this article says it all: a person can choose to change their thinking no matter how old they are. It’s about willingness, not age. This article is dedicated to Georgia, her inner strength and spirit, and her willingness to change and continue growing as a person, even though she is a very senior citizen. I refer to her as a late-consciousness bloomer.
Before she became enlightened, I would tease her saying, “Mom, your angels are calling out, ‘Georgia, Georgia, Georgia, when are you gonna learn? We know it’s not your time to come to heaven; but would you please lighten up? It doesn’t matter that your son-in-law, Ed, bought red potatoes rather than russet. They stew the same! Who cares anyway? Don’t get angry, get happy.” And Mom would try to coach herself, thinking “Shut up Georgia – keep your mouth shut! It isn’t any of your business! If the kids don’t care about something, why should you care about what they don’t care about? Who cares anyway?”
So how did the transformation take place?
She could have easily thought, “I’m too old to think differently. You guys are the problem, not me. I’m 91 and I ought to know something.” What happened? How did Georgia move from a dysfunctional, negative state to a positive place?
Mom and Dad had lived with my sister, Ann, and her husband Ed for many years and let’s just say “the kitchen had room for only one cook.” They had some tumultuous times, and, after one final argument, my parents decided to move out. Can you imagine a 90- and 94-year-old moving out of their home, and refusing help? Anger can create powerful physical/mental strength and they accomplished this move, single-handed! (No martyrdom here, right?).
Dad had a stroke in 1999 and passed on (or as he would say, “went to his happy hunting ground”). Mom moved back with Ann and Ed, but the anger, anxiety and nasty words began to flourish again. Dad’s death had initially brought our family back together, but it became apparent that things hadn’t really changed. At this time, God made me realize that I was to be the catalyst for change in her life.
By the grace of God, Mom began listening to what life was telling her; she even seemed to enjoy the conversations we would have about life and change. Last year when she was visiting, we were driving to my son’s soccer match in Elkin and I said, “Mom, I think this cassette tape has a message for you.” For an hour she listened to and processed the tape (it was on forgiveness and letting go). We discussed it afterwards and I could see a light bulb switch on in her head and in her heart. It was astonishing!
As a personal development coach, I’ve developed enhanced listening skills and I was utilizing them to the max. I’ve discovered that being heard, really heard and seen is the key to developing strong personal relationships. One of my favorite movies is Runaway Bride, with Richard Gere and Julia Roberts. There is a scene where Richard is sitting next to his former wife, playing the piano, and he asks her, “Did I ever see you?” She says, “No, you never did.”
I was given an incredible opportunity to see my mom. I could see her grieving over Daddy’s death. I could see how lonely she was and how her low self-esteem was severely impacting her life. She made others wrong so she in turn could be right. Sometimes we do crazy stuff in our lives. In retrospect, it makes no sense, but still we continue on autopilot.
There’s a saying, “Walk 100 hundred miles in my moccasins.” I would revise that to: “To walk 100 miles in my moccasins, you must first take off yours.”
So how was it that I could break through the pains of my childhood and allow mother-daughter love to flow, not only for me but also for my family? Don Miguel Ruiz’s book, The Four Agreements, became a source of knowledge that explained how our beliefs rob us of joy and create needless suffering. These four Agreements have been pivotal in my thinking. They are: Don’t Take Anything Personally, Always Do Your Best, Don’t Make Assumptions and Be Impeccable with Your Word. I invite you to explore the wisdom this book offers. It is life changing.
Early mornings when I walk my dog, Brandy, we walk on a bridge over a lake. As we walk, I notice the early morning mist, the trees that seem almost black, and the lake appearing dark. As we turn around and head home, I notice the sun peeking out of the clouds, the colors of the leaves brilliantly changing, the reflective lake surface now shining with soft silvery ripples. How different things look when we look for new perspectives. I am amazed.
My point is this: Pay attention to the other person’s viewpoint; see the other side of things, not just your own. I did, and it made an incredible difference in my family.
My brother-in-law, Ed, emailed and said he could not believe the change in Mom. He asked, “What did you do?” I replied: “I listened; I heard and left the judgment behind. Mom did all the work.”
Remember you can’t change anyone. Only they can change themselves. So don’t give up on people too quickly; they are doing the best they know how to do. And even though this is a tough one, just like one of the Four Agreements, don’t take things personally.
Originally written October 2002; Atlanta Georgia Valliere Passed Away on May 15, 2003.