This article began as a deeply personal account, chronicling my divorce journey from beginning to end. Now, many years later, I hope that sharing my story on this blog will offer others a fresh perspective or perhaps help them navigate this transformative and often difficult experience in their own lives.
I understand that not every family can achieve our story, and I want to acknowledge that reality. Was this process challenging for us? Absolutely. Yet we managed to get through it.
Today, I’m pleased to share that our family remains strong and unified. My former husband has remarried and all of us continue to thrive. We have consciously chosen to move forward without conflict, and our son is now married and a parent himself.
My Starting Over Story
To be honest, I hate divorce. There’s no softer way to say it it breaks my heart when I hear of parents planning to separate. No one truly understands what lies ahead until they’ve gone through it themselves.
Let’s take a step back and consider “transition.” Whether we’re facing a major life change — like a career shift, divorce, or a significant loss — sometimes we can plan, but often we’re left simply reacting.
Each person responds differently to transitions, shaped by family, culture, personality, and life experience. Some move quickly through stages; others linger or skip them altogether.
Divorce changed my life and my son’s, for better and for worse. I witnessed firsthand how deeply it affected him. I hope sharing my story helps others — men and women—navigate divorce in a healthier, more discerning way.
Every big transition, whether it’s the end of a relationship, job loss, or illness, follows three main phases:
1. Hanging On: Feeling frustrated, rejected, in denial, depressed, angry, victimized.
2. Letting Go: Accepting, releasing, allowing yourself to move forward.
3. Taking Action: Seeing new options, making plans, moving toward a new vision.
Here’s how I went through these phases during my divorce in my 40s, after 13 years of marriage and with an eight-year-old son.
The Hanging On Phase
Mild depression set in — I noticed it at a business event. Normally outgoing, I had no desire to socialize. I was just getting by, not thriving.
● Nothing seemed to make sense.
● I couldn’t think beyond the given moment, let alone set goals.
● I felt scattered and stuck.
● My eating habits had changed; I felt listless.
● My energy declined; I felt listless.
How did I support myself? I talked — a lot. Friends, a therapist, a coach, even strangers at the gym, and I journaled obsessively (ten journals!). One entry captures it:
“Dear Journal: I feel so burdened, so overwhelmed. I am in limbo and consumed with uncertainty.”
The Letting Go Phase
● I felt an empty void inside and didn’t know how to fill it.
● I was ready to forgive — others and myself.
● I’m was tired of living in the past and wanted to move forward.
● I wanted to do something new, even if I wasn’t sure what.
● I wanted off the treadmill.
Journal entry: “Dear Journal: I no longer feel like a victim of my past. Many people blame others, but I don’t. I am the responsible person.”
The Taking Action Phase
● I felt excited about new possibilities.
● I was ready to make things happen.
● I saw patterns in what worked and didn’t, eager to use my past to build my future.
● I recognized my choices and started actively creating my future.
Journal entry: “Dear Journal: “Everything that happens, every feeling, every joy, every pain is to be embraced — they are all messengers, delivered to teach me, challenge me, and strengthen me.”
The real beauty is how my former husband and I rebuilt our relationship. We approached divorce as a business partnership, united by our mission: “For the Love of Our Child.” Our goal was to create a peaceful, loving, and nurturing environment, modeling how divorced families can live in harmony.
As I continued in the Taking Action phase, I realized I wanted my life to mean something. I hope my experience gives others the courage to live authentically and with self-respect. A healthy divorce is possible — it’s not an oxymoron. My priority was minimizing my son’s emotional scars.
I was ready to make changes to move and move forward. If you’re not ready or willing, nothing changes — repeating the same actions expecting to get different results is the definition of insanity. For me, forgiveness was key, including forgiving myself. Here’s an exercise that helped:
The Compassionate Heart Exercise
Close your eyes and focus on your breathing. Breathe in and out several times. Next, think of a person you’re having difficulty with — someone who annoys you, you have judgments about, or even if you don’t know them, has somehow created problems for you.
Then, repeat the following sequence while thinking of that person:
“This person has a heart and breathes…just like me.”
“This person has hopes and dreams, fears and despair…just like me.”
“This person has challenges and obstacles, opportunities and possibilities…just like me.”
“This person judges and is judged…just like me.”
“This person feels sorrow and happiness…just like me.”
“This person wins some and loses some…just like me.”
“This person deserves compassion and respect…just like me.”
“This person was once a child, curious in every way…just like me.”
“This person wants only the best for themselves…just like me.”
Stop and reflect…how do you feel about the person now?
Source: Coach University
I once heard: “Forgiveness is giving love when there’s no reason to.” And, “You can’t give what you don’t have.” I needed to forgive myself first.
The day my divorce was final, I typed these words describing my journey — despair, darkness, grief, loss — and burned the paper in a ritual release, praying for my new life.
Remember: Feelings buried inside never die; often they grow stronger.
That same day I wrote my now-former husband (I never use the words “ex-husband” – former is kinder) a letter to bring closure:
”Today we are no longer married; no longer husband and wife. I saw a card that said: ‘”Times change, jobs change, relationships change…friends remain.” That sums up where we are after our journey. I dreamt of a fork in the road — one path higher, one path lower, each marked with our son’s face. The low road showed an unhappy child; the high road, a calm one. I salute us for taking the high road and making our son’s well-being our priority.
I apologize for any hurtful comments during heated moments — you didn’t deserve them. Thank you for supporting me when my dad passed. As the mother of our son, I know you’ll be there for us.
Our marriage taught me a lot about myself. I saw destructive patterns and made it my goal to “re-wire” who I was. We’re all works-in-progress, but I’ve come along way. The best gift we can give our child — and the world — is our own personal development.
Thank you for being a great dad. I wish you a great life and look forward to supporting you as the best dad and former husband you can be. God bless you!”
Love, Cindy
If you’re divorcing or divorced, ask yourself”
● What’s next?
● How far have I come?
● What lessons am I taking away?
● Who have I become?
● What did it take to get here?
● What have I learned about myself?
● What does it mean to live fully?
● How can I help others?
● What acknowledgment do I want to give myself and others?
I’ll end with a metaphor: Life is like driving — your windshield (the present) is much bigger than your rear-view mirrors (the past).
Spend your time looking forward, not backward. Live in the present.
Finally, I share a poem that helped me through:
Comes the Dawn
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of a man or woman,
Not the grief of a child.
With every goodbye you learn.
—Author Unknown