I originally wrote this highly personal article documenting my divorce journey from start to finish. Now, decades later, I’m hopeful that this blog writing will somehow help others by offering perhaps a new perspective or even change how they move through this challenging and life-altering experience.
To be candid, I hate divorce. I don’t how to say this any other way. It breaks my heart when I hear of parents planning to divorce.
They can’t possibly know what lies ahead. Only direct experience takes you there.
Let’s step back to examine the word “transition”. Few of us know exactly when a major career or life transition is coming. Sometimes we can plan for it, and other times all we can do in the moment is to react.
We all respond to transitions in a unique way. Our family backgrounds, heredity, culture, education, and personality cause us to respond to change differently. And we don’t all move through these stages in the same way. Some skip stages and some experience different intensity levels in each phase.
Divorce impacted not only my life but my son’s life, forever. Some good things resulted from this and some not-so-good things. I saw, up close and personal, the effect it had on my son.
I am hopeful that my experience will show both men and women how to navigate divorce in a more discerning and healthy manner.
There are three phases in any type of significant transition, whether a significant relationship loss (divorce, breakup, or loss of a spouse), losing a job, career change, or serious medical diagnoses:
1. Hanging On: Frustrated, rejected, in-denial, depressed, angry, victim
2. Letting Go: Acceptance, release, giving yourself permission to let go
3. Taking Action: Seeing options, opportunities, new path, vision, and action plan
Let’s look at my life and how I handled my divorce, in my 40s, married for over 13 years with an eight-year-old son.
The Hanging On Phase.
I felt mild depression setting in. This came to light when attending a business social function. Usually a ball of fire, I realized with surprise that I had no desire to mingle. I was going through the motions. I wasn’t thriving in life; I was simply hanging on.
● Nothing seemed to make sense.
● I couldn’t think beyond the given moment, let alone set any goals.
● I felt scattered, spinning my wheels, and going nowhere.
● My eating habits had changed. I was losing weight.
● My energy declined. I felt listless.
How did I emotionally support myself during this ‘hanging on’ stage? I talked a lot — at times obsessively, externally processing through my situation, whether it was my friends, my therapist, my coach, or sometimes perfect strangers at the gym, and journaling like crazy. During my transition, I wrote ten journals! Here is a journal entry to share what I was experiencing:
“Dear Journal: I feel so burdened, so overwhelmed. I am in limbo and consumed with uncertainty.”
The Letting Go phase.
● There was a void inside my inner being and I didn’t know how to fill it.
● I’m ready and willing to forgive others and myself.
● I’m tired of living in the past and am ready to move forward.
● I know I want to do something, even if I don’t know what it is yet.
● I’m tired and want off this treadmill. Here’s another journal entry that illustrates I was moving through this phase:
“Dear Journal: I no longer feel like a victim of my past. Many people blame others, but I don’t. I am the responsible person.”
The Taking Action phase.
● I’m excited about the possibilities in front of me.
● I’m ready to make something happen.
● I’m noticing patterns in what worked and didn’t work for me. I’m ready to use the past to discover and create the future.
● I now recognize that I have choices and I’m actively creating my future. Another journal entry indicates that I am clearly ready to move forward:
“Dear Journal: “Everything that happens, every feeling, every joy, every pain is to be embraced as they are all messengers, delivered to me to teach me about life, to challenge me and strengthen me.”
The real beauty, I believe, lies in how my former husband and I built a new type of relationship. We went about our divorce as if it were a business arrangement, as a newly formed entity called: “For the Love of Our Child” with this mission statement:
To create and maintain a family environment of peace, love, and calmness. To show the world a new way – a new model of how divorced families can live in peace and harmony, providing a nurturing environment for each other.
My continued progress in the Taking Action stage was quite successful. I realized I want my life to count for something. My divorce experience can give someone else the courage and motivation to empower them to live a life of self-respect and authenticity, to become self-aware. I believe that a healthy divorce is not an oxymoron; it’s a valid choice. For me, there was no other option. And I would do whatever it took to minimize my son’s scar tissue.
I was ready and willing to make the necessary changes to move on with my life. If someone isn’t ready and aren’t willing to make changes, nothing will change. (The definition of insanity is repeating the same action and expecting different results.) To move on, I knew that I needed to forgive certain people, including myself. Here’s an exercise that helped with this process.
The Compassionate Heart Exercise
Close your eyes and focus on your breathing. Breathe in and out several times. Next, think of a person you’re having difficulty with – someone who annoys you, you have judgments about, or even if you don’t know them, has somehow created problems for you. Then, repeat the following sequence while thinking of that person:
“This person has a heart and breathes…just like me.”
“This person has hopes and dreams, fears and despair…just like me.”
“This person has challenges and obstacles, opportunities and possibilities…just like me.”
“This person judges and is judged…just like me.”
“This person feels sorrow and happiness…just like me.”
“This person wins some and loses some…just like me.”
“This person deserves compassion and respect…just like me.”
“This person was once a child, curious in every way…just like me.”
“This person wants only the best for themselves…just like me.”
Stop and reflect…how do you feel about the person now?
Source: Coach University
I once heard a quote (source unknown): “Forgiveness is giving love when there’s no reason to.” Another saying is: “You can’t give what you don’t have.” I couldn’t give the gift of forgiveness unless I first forgave myself.
The day my divorce was finalized, I sat at my computer, typing in the words that reminded me of my recent journey, and printed them out in large, bold type – ‘Despair, Darkness, Black, Unworthy, Sadness, Tears, Sick, Broken, Hate My Life, Loss, and Grief’.
That evening I went outside and performed a ritual by burning this one piece of paper. I mentally released these feelings and said a prayer for my new life as I watched the paper go up in flames.
Remember this: Feelings buried inside never die. What’s buried often grows more.
That same day I wrote my now-former husband (I never use the words “ex-husband” – former is a lot kinder) the following letter. It expressed my true feelings and brought closure to the relationship:
”Today we are no longer married; no longer husband and wife. I recently saw a card that said: ‘Times change, jobs change, relationships change…friends remain.’ To me, that sums up where we are after a long and difficult journey.
I dreamt that we had come to a fork in the road. In one direction the road went higher and the other fork headed lower. Each path had a road marker with a picture of our son’s face. The low road showed the unhappy face of an emotionally distraught child. 5
The high road displayed a calm face. I salute us for taking the high road and making our son’s emotional well-being the number one priority in our lives. Even though it was extremely difficult sometimes, we dealt with our anger and stopped trying to prove each other wrong. (I’ve learned that when you make someone wrong, you get to feel right). What a blessing that we could move beyond our anger!
During several “heated” moments, I made some pretty nasty comments, and I would like to apologize. You didn’t deserve them, and I am sorry. You know how difficult these past few months have been for me with the passing of my dad; and I appreciated your support at a time when I was down. As the mother of our son, I know that you will be there for us if we need you.
The experiences in our marriage taught me so much about me; things I didn’t like, once I faced the truth. I could see patterns that were destructive to me and to you and I made it my highest goal to look into my soul to “re-wire” who I was. Even though I believe we are all works-in-progress, I have come a long way. I truly believe the best gift we can give to our child – and the world, for that matter – is our own personal development.
Thank you for being a great dad. I wish you a great life and look forward to supporting you to be the best dad and former husband you can be. God bless you!”
Love, Cindy
So ended that chapter of my divorce story. And the success of our unique family continues today. All of us have moved on and our relationship is free of conflict (by choice) and our son is thriving, now married and a parent.
If you’re divorced, ask yourself the following questions:
● What’s next?
● How far have I come?
● What gold nuggets am I taking away from this experience?
● Who have I become?
● What did it take to get here?
● What have I learned about myself?
● What does it mean to live life fully?
● How can I help others going through this process?
● What acknowledgment would I like to give myself and others?
I close this article with a metaphor: Imagine you’re driving down the road in your vehicle. Notice the overall size of your windshield. Next, notice the size of your three rear-view mirrors. They’re pretty small in comparison to the windshield, aren’t they? The windshield represents your present life – NOW – and the rear-view mirrors represent your past. As you drive you mostly look forward, only briefly glancing up at the rear-view mirrors. Life should be the same way.
Spend your time focusing forward, not backward. Live in the present moment.
I share a poem that a dear friend gave to me right when I most needed it:
Comes the Dawn
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats With your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of a man or woman,
Not the grief of a child.
And learn to build all your roads
On today because tomorrow’s ground
Is too uncertain for plans, and futures have
A way of falling down in mid -flight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden and decorate
Your own soul, instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure.
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn…
With every goodbye you learn.