Do you find that becoming your best at love is one of the biggest and most fulfilling challenges you’ll ever face?
How you love your partner can determine the success or failure of your relationship. And as a lover — aspiring or seasoned — the greatest asset you can offer them is a true understanding of your Inner Self.
Being great at love requires the willingness and responsibility to improve your emotional intelligence (EQ) at the deepest inner level. This enables you to become the best version of your Self, to be the kind of person who people want to love.
What does love – being loving to your partner – really mean to you?
● WHAT IF loving means transparent connection, authentic communication, transformative purpose, and vulnerability?
● WHAT IF loving means being radically present to yourself and those you love when conversations are unfolding in the moment?
● WHAT IF loving means discovering the truths and illusions in your own stories and the stories or situations told by those you love?
● WHAT IF loving is about being an open channel for the wisdom, insight, and energy inside of you in service of the person you love?
● WHAT IF loving is more about managing relational intentions instead of setting relational goals?
Intrigued? Now’s the perfect time to take the LOVE INNER 10 SELF-ASSESSMENT.
How would you answer these questions about how you presently interact with your partner?
1. Are you able to stay out of your head and in the moment, without the need to give advice about what you think should happen? (Relate this to a situation you are working on in the relationship)
2. Can you stay out of judgment, with no need to impress them with your knowledge and opinions? (Not being right)
3. Can you practice the art of silence, asking only thoughtful questions and then patiently allowing space for whatever they feel needs to be said?
4. Can you give them time to release their “grip” on their stories before you step in to help? (Telling them what they should feel or should not feel)
5. Are you able to increase the depth of your radical presence, the astuteness and accuracy of your sensory observations — not attach — and yet be fully engaged in listening in order to hear the subtle but powerful clues being offered?
6. Can you pay attention to what is being said, creating a sense of rapport and connection, while also silently detecting what is NOT being said in their story?
7. Are you able to think of new perspectives about what’s going on between you, helping to see unconscious biases as you look through their eyes rather than yours?
8. Can you help yourself move to a different inner storyline. Let’s say your old storyline was, “When you criticize me, I will defend myself, withdraw, retreat, and cut myself off from further feedback.” Offer yourself a new inner story line that can present a new possibility: “OK, I’ve been given useful information; it’s not personal. I see this as an opportunity to replace a trigger with an aspiration to better self-regulate.”
9. Are you able to see what they can’t see on their own? For example, can you detect the unconscious elements in their stories (such as a repressed anger that threatens a relationship or complaining about a behavior they often display)” These elements can show up as a slip of the tongue, as awkward laughter, and as complaints about others. What we don’t like in others is often a mirror of ourselves.
10. Can you foster constructive dialogue and encourage an “invitational stance” rather than persuasive communication. This involves listening intently to the words your partner uses, then using their own words to go deeper into a conversation. For example, if Mary says, ”I feel backed into a corner in our relationship,” focus on the words ‘backed into a corner”. Say something like, “When you feel backed into a corner, what’s that like for you?” You listen, then ask another question, ”Anything else?” Keep listening, then ask, “What else?”
Every YES answer is indicative of a loving person who has worked on developing his or her emotional intelligence. By embracing these insightful and powerful Inner Self questions, you can foster more meaningful and productive conversations with those you love.
Can you picture scenarios where these prompts and questions can make your thinking clearer and your exchanges more effective? Give them a try and see what happens! I know from experience you’ll find your dialogues more enriching and empowering. This also gives you a good example of the depth of the LOVE curriculum offered in the Self Syllabus.