In our daily conversations, both with ourselves and with others, a multitude of factors come into play. Our inner dialogue, often referred to as “the stories we tell ourselves,” is intricately woven with our life experiences, encompassing both the positive and the negative. This internal narrative can have a profound effect on the outcome of every conversation we engage in!
To dive deeper into this phenomenon, consider the following question:
What goes on within me when I wish someone would act or think differently from their current stance, and what’s my own opinion about what they should be doing?
This opens a rather important door – if you’re willing to go through it! Ask yourself:
- Am I unconsciously activating any biases I may hold towards this individual? Perhaps they remind me of traits I find disagreeable in others, either from my current circle or from the past. And if so, do these traits reside within me as well?
- Could my own perfectionist tendencies be obstructing the path? (A helpful tip is to strive for ‘excellence’ rather than fixate on perfection.)
- By placing myself in their shoes, can I begin to understand their perspective, including their thoughts about me?
- Does this individual exhibit a growth mindset or a fixed one? Understanding this difference can be crucial. Are they open to change?
- Have I accurately pinpointed the problem, and do we each share a common understanding of it? How can we work together to determine the most effective solution?
- Have we both recognized the stakes involved and the consequences if we fail to address the issue proactively?
- While I may desire certain outcomes for others, what if they don’t share the same aspirations for themselves?
- Have I adequately assessed their skills, capabilities, and experience? Do they possess the necessary qualifications to fulfill the tasks and produce the results I’m expecting?
Conscious conversations can also benefit from a few thoughtful guidelines. Keep the following in mind before, during, and after each dialog:
- It is entirely possible to collaborate effectively with someone who does not share my values, mindset, or standards, but only if I can depersonalize the situation. In reality, they are acting in accordance with their own beliefs, thoughts, and abilities. As a leader, if I seek better results from them, I can employ the power of strategic questioning to guide them toward improvement and minimize any tendency to pass judgment.
- When I observe someone staying in their comfort zone or appearing too busy to address an issue, I recognize that these are choices they make based on their perception of what’s best for them. I’m not accountable for their success; that responsibility rests with them.
- The people who differ most from me can sometimes provoke specific reactions or behaviors in me.
- Note that people tend to gravitate toward others who resemble them in various ways (what’s familiar)—a common aspect of human nature.
- As both leaders and human beings, we must learn to collaborate with individuals of diverse backgrounds and characteristics, recognizing the invaluable lessons they can teach us about ourselves!
How Do You Nurture A Constructive Conversation? Good Question!
With the aim of fostering constructive dialogue and an open mind, a good tactic is to encourage an “invitational stance” rather than persuasive communication. Listen intently to the words they use, then use their words to go deeper into a conversation.
For example, if Mary says, ”I feel backed into a corner,” focus on the words ‘backed into a corner’. Say something like, “When you feel backed into a corner, what’s that like for you?”Listen, then ask another good question, ”Anything else?” Keep listening, then ask, “What else?” You’ll know when your invitational approach has gone as far as it needs to go.
Active listening, combined with asking thoughtful questions, can help individuals reflect on –– and share –– their thoughts and feelings. Here are 20 prompts that can help keep a conversation positive and productive:
- What do you need to move forward?
- What do you need most from me right now?
- What’s happening inside you right now?
- What assumptions are limiting your thinking?
- Help me see___________________.
- Where would you like to take this conversation?
- What are you leaving behind, or what must evolve to make room for new ideas?
- Can you propose one idea or approach to address this?
- What aspect would you like to work on?
- What steps would you like to take concerning this issue?
- What would be most helpful to you right now?
- Can you clarify the meaning behind your thoughts?
- Specifically, what aspect do you want to work on?
- Where can you practice and apply this in your life?
- How does it feel to express these thoughts aloud?
- What’s at stake, and what might happen if we don’t address it?
- What did you learn today, and do you have any takeaways?
- How will you measure success in implementing this new behavior?
- What else do you need or want to discuss today?
- Would you agree that we’ve made progress in understanding each other?
Full disclosure: this is hard work as leaders tend to go right to the solutions. Yet you can easily rob someone of the experience to discover the answers themselves.
Leader’s Tip: Team members will often reply in compound sentences (lots of concerns jumbled together) when they’re explaining something – especially if they’re feeling upset or triggered. Break the reply into smaller pieces to help them focus on each thought individually. Here’s an example:
Imagine you’re a sales manager, and one of your team members, Sarah, is discussing a recent client meeting:
Sarah: “So, I met with the client, and they seemed really hesitant about our proposal, and I could tell they didn’t like the pricing, but then they also mentioned they had concerns about the timeline, and I wasn’t sure how to address all of that, and it was kind of frustrating…”
In this situation, you could say, “Sarah, it sounds like there are a few different aspects to the client’s concerns. Let’s break it down. First, what were their specific objections to the pricing? And then, separately, what did they say about the timeline? This will help us address each concern more effectively.”
Finally, A Few Questions To Ask Your Inner Self, Especially if You Feel Stuck.
Here’s an excellent exercise that involves completing the blanks to encourage self-reflection and deeper self-understanding. All the sentences are designed to flow one after the other so don’t think too much, just write what comes up for you.
Set the stage by asking: What is currently prominent in my life right now?
Then, continue with this flow of consciousness:
My mind tends to gravitate towards this when I ___________________. If only I could ______________ ___________________ . I am at my best when I___________________. I frequently ponder ___________________ . Yet, if I allowed myself to___________________. My greatest challenge is ___________________. Where have I excelled in life, and what still needs improvement? ______________. I have gained valuable insights from___________________. I am amazed at ___________________ . I envision myself___________________.
Ready To Turn Your Inner Dialogue Into Outer Success?
By embracing these practices, we can foster more meaningful and productive conversations with others. Can you picture scenarios where these prompts and questions can make your thinking clearer and your exchanges more effective? Give them a try and see what happens! I know from experience you’ll find your self-dialogue more enriching and empowering.
So, congratulations! I celebrate your personal growth and ever-increasing communication skills!